His party is over just as it’s beginning

Meinzer

Dear Sex N’at:

I’m in a wee bit of difficulty here. So far as physical… Meinzer

Dear Sex N’at:

I’m in a wee bit of difficulty here. So far as physical relationships go, I’m fine, until we actually reach the mattress. It all goes downhill from there.

You see, I know how to talk to women, how to woo them, how to caress them, and so far as I know am one of the best damn kissers they ever experienced. (This isn’t opinion talking, but the words of my lady-friends’ kiss-and-tell friends. Please don’t think I’m being egotistical.) I have no qualms about my physical appearance or penis size. However, in the sack, I have no way to please women. The problem isn’t my style, the problem is I’m so fast I can’t even DEVELOP style. Captain Winky is NOT a patient organ … the longest I’ve been able to hold out was less than seven minutes, with an average length of two to three minutes — and yes, I’ve timed it because I’ve been becoming worried about this. As if this weren’t bad enough, I have weak joints in my hands making it painful to please women with my fingers, and even though I can kiss their lips, my tongue seriously has to be pretty weak … it tires out even faster then my Friend Down Under. It is almost as if my body is physically incapable of being able to please women. I’m becoming unable to enjoy sex, because I know I am so easily finished and yet can’t help my mate out the same way, and that is not the way I want to be. The only solution I can think of is find a woman in the same predicament, but I’d probably have better luck finding unicorns in my closet, especially since sex isn’t exactly the top of my list for dating; some relationships just come to that. Do you have any advice that can help me out of this predicament?

Sincerely,

SpeeDee McGee

Dear SpeeDee:

I’m not sure what porno movies you’ve been watching, but seven minutes is plenty respectable. Two to three is fine. It’s not going to win you any prizes, but it’s okay. And let me clue you in on something else: contrary to what you may believe, not every woman wants sex to go on for hours — remember Lube Girl from last week? There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

The fact that you are literally timing your performance, especially in light of your admitted frustration, is at the root of your problem. You’ve got performance anxiety, m’dear, and that’s self-fulfilling most times. You don’t think you last long enough, so you get nervous — so you jump the gun, and that makes you even more nervous.

You say you have weak joints in your fingers and a lazy tongue. Unless you are horribly arthritic or have some kind of leprosy of the tongue, there’s no sex move you can make that should make these actions painful. Relax, dude. Be gentle. It’s better for your hands, and the lady in question, too.

If you find a woman with whom you think you can be in a lasting relationship, go slowly, be patient, and confide your concerns in her. With time and success, your problems will fade away, but as long as you are preoccupied with your performance, you’ll always be SpeeDee.

Read The Pitt News this week for a pair of very special Valentine’s Day columns — Melissa Meinzer and Eric Miller do a point/counterpoint on the virtues of sex before marriage. Guess which side Melissa takes? E-mail her at sex@pittnews.com.