Being nostalgic for slap bracelets, Pong

I’m old. Really old.

I just turned 25, and frankly, everything is downhill from here…. I’m old. Really old.

I just turned 25, and frankly, everything is downhill from here.

Being 25 was something I was looking forward to – it’s the age your car insurance goes down. Something about being a quarter of a century old apparently makes you a better driver than the day before, when you were 24.

When I was 21, I made a list of things to do by age 25 – celebrate New Year’s Eve in Times Square, go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, see the Pacific Ocean and go to Punxsatawney for Groundhog Day – at least once.

Now that I’ve reached 25, my list of things to do by 30 hasn’t changed … that’s right, I didn’t do any of those things I promised myself. Pathetic, huh?

But knowledge comes with age. In 25 years, I’ve seen many things, and I’d like to take this opportunity to be crotchety – that is, to remember the good, old days.

First, video games. I remember playing Pong and thinking it was the most amazing thing ever. Now I try playing Play Station 2 and don’t know how to move my character – all those buttons and noises get me jumbled up. Well, you young’uns can keep your newfangled PS2 – I’m sticking with the original Nintendo Entertainment System – the one where you had to hit it a few times to make it work. Ah, the good old days.

And don’t get me started about Game Boy Advance. Kids today are spoiled with their fancy-pants color graphics. I remember original Game Boy, the one that was dull gray, and the size and weight of a large brick. The only screen colors we had were seven shades of spinach green, and to power it, we had to pedal on a small generator.

We had better fashion sense back in my day. Remember the slap-on bracelet? How about striped, knee-high socks or having a mullet – which, interestingly enough, never went out of style in Pittsburgh?

Speaking of the good, old days, I’m getting sick of seeing my childhood cartoons get recycled into new versions. The other day, I found out that He-Man was redone. He-Man was the guy who shook his sword and transformed into a hulking barbarian with metal underwear.

In the original, He-Man’s head was shaped like a gumdrop with a mullet, but in the new one, his head is proportionate to his body, and he’s not as bulky. Some things should remain sacred.

The same goes for the idiots who brought Strawberry Shortcake back as a trendy teenager with keen fashion sense and bouncy hair. If I see one more version of the Transformers, G.I. Joe, or Scooby Doo, I swear I’m going to renounce my citizenship and move to Japan, where they know how to make real cartoons – where was anime like Cowboy Bebop when I was growing up?

Another thing that’s been bugging me-what’s with the addition of women into the world of Legos? I’m all for diversity, but Lego people were perfect for everyone. They had no specific gender and a sunny disposition, and were yellow, a very neutral color. So what happened?

Did the Lego National Organization of Women sue so that Lego women would have a voice in Lego Land? When did the stock Lego person become male, even though it had no male characteristics? At least women can’t complain about the Lego man – he’s quiet, easily manipulated and neutered.

And look at me. My plan was to be married to a rich supermodel and living in Malibu.

Instead, I live with my mom and am still going to school for my bachelor’s degree.

And I think I soiled my adult diaper.

Nick Kratsas is the assistant Web editor for The Pitt News.