You won’t have Ben Rubin to kick around anymore

“After dragging Ben down the stairs multiple times, I was sorry to see that he got into… “After dragging Ben down the stairs multiple times, I was sorry to see that he got into college. Then I reminded myself that he was going to Pittsburgh, and felt proud that I’d succeeded in making him mildly retarded. Even so, Ben has managed to write some very interesting columns that we Rubins have enjoyed as a family. Reading about my wife’s ‘vaginal juices’ and my mom’s ‘cooter’ every week gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling that electroshock therapy can’t top. My only complaint about the columns is that, if they weren’t printed on such cheap-ass paper, I wouldn’t have to fold ’em so many times before sticking them in my butt.”

– Gabe Rubin, older brother

“Ben Rubin was my student in his freshman year, in General Writing. He was smart and lively, and I remember saying to him, ‘Ben, having a strong opinion is not necessarily the same thing as being thoughtful.’ Thus began the career of a columnist.”

– David Bartholomae, Professor and Chair of the Department of English

“As a former Pitt News writer, I recall the days with Ben Rubin at the office, when he and I ruled that place like Bugsy Siegel and Lucky Luciano. But maybe that’s because we were pretty much the only Jew and Italian in the newsroom.”

– Mario Machi, medallion-wearing meatball

“Ben knows the funny, and he knows your kind of funny. The kind of funny that says, ‘Hey, it’s safe, no polysyllabic words here.’ The kind of funny that’s as familiar as curling up in your old Ritalin-dusted blanket and enjoying ‘Sorority Life;’ the kind that lets you whisper, ‘Hey, Ben talks about poop, and I poop too.'”

– Jay Zemo, longtime benfellow

“Where do I begin to speak of my undying love and devotion to the writings of Ben Rubin? Well, not here, that’s for sure. Ben, the Irish have a saying for the likes of you: ‘If you know so much, what in God’s name are you doing in Ireland?’ OK, I’m lying, but go forth now and inflict your wit on others anyway.”

– Brian O’Neil, columnist, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

“In The Pitt News, Ben’s column is around 15 inches, but in his pants, it’s a lot more disappointing.”

– Dave Yankelewitz, jealous boyfriend

“If the criterion for judging a great newsman are a depraved inability to communicate with women and having ass pimples, Rubin is tops in the national pantheon. And yet, writing about his dog’s diarrhea or the summer he spent stealing breadsticks from the Olive Garden hasn’t garnered him the recognition of his peers that one might have expected. No Pulitzer Prize is forthcoming for his column railing against the evils of one-ply toilet paper. Regardless, Rubin is the people’s choice. When he writes, ‘I spend most of my life dodging work and masturbating onto my stomach,’ he speaks to Joe Blow and Jane Average more than Randy Cohen ever could with his ‘ethics’ and ‘subtle wit.’ I know, for my part, reading Ben’s column is the only thing keeping me from going over the edge. If not for him, I’d have sent those nude self-portraits to Fran Drescher a long time ago.”

– Aaron Franken, longtime reader

“I hated this kid – always making fun of me. Well, thank goodness he’ll finally be out of my bowl-cut toupee.”

– Mark Nordenberg, in Ben Rubin’s head

“Argus-eyed Ben Rubin is the John Muhammed of college columnists. With cool detachment, he put a bullet through the head of sacred cows like masturbation, pornography, and the myth of the female orgasm. He’s able to find the toilet humor in even the dirtiest of topics, and for that, he is immortal.”

– Jesse Hicks, Pitt News columnist

“They say that gay is the new black, and I say Ben Rubin is the new gay … except that he likes girls. So ladies on campus, do me a favor and if you see Ben walking around, throw your panties at him as a gesture of gratitude – it’s the least you can do.”

– Sarah Love, MIT grad student

“The only mistake I see in Ben’s columns is the fact that we never meant to have him.”

– Yehudith Rubin, mother

“I really do respect Ben. I’ve hung out with him numerous times and I would make him my friend … if he weren’t so gay and Jewish … Oh I’m only kidding … I would never be his friend.”

– William Morse, actor, model, visionary

“I had the privilege of watching Ben go from a washed-up columnist to a washed-up TV producer, and back to a washed-up columnist. It’s like when the manager at Old Country Buffet says they’re all out of crab legs, and all the fat people get a tear in their eye.”

– Jon Hill, star of “Lothrop What What”

“I remember the good old days … I wasn’t afraid to publish your salacious prose about coming on your stomach – or baby eating – and you weren’t afraid to believe me when I told you and your freshman friends it cost $10 a head to get into my parties. It was a symbiotic relationship. I’m glad someone had the balls. Too vulgar? Your voice is sweet like Chasey Lain’s thighs.”

– Shannon McLaughlin, former Pitt News editor-in-chief

“So what do you call a moose having sex with a rabbi? I don’t know – I was busy jerking myself off.”

– Ben Rubin, shameless self-promoter

E-mail Ben Rubin at headpsychlo@yahoo.com