Swiss-made bling more hassle than flash

The carnage that was Thanksgiving is done, and now the gift-giving season is around the… The carnage that was Thanksgiving is done, and now the gift-giving season is around the corner. It stands there staring at you menacingly – lurking, waiting. In less than a month, it will strike, and you better have some good gifts to appease its demands.

Allow me to make this disclaimer: I do not consider myself an authority on the ambiguous procedures of gift buying. My mother has received the same wall-mounted electronic singing fish every Christmas for the last four years.

Despite my own shortcomings, I can still honestly tell you there is one gift you should reconsider purchasing – a Swiss-made wristwatch.

You thought the people of Switzerland manufactured timepieces that were among the best quality in the world, didn’t you? Well, such rumors are all well and good, until, of course, the watch battery dies. After that, you’re pretty much screwed.

It all started years ago, when I was a naive and reckless youth turned loose in the streets of Zurich, on a week-long European excursion with my high school German class. Under the impression that Swiss watches were an exceptionally trendy and punctual luxury item, I saved my money to ensure I would have enough to blow on the loudest and most ostentatious timepiece available.

In a gift shop in Zurich, I found a watch suitable for a genuine pimp – so long as the pimp was fluent in several languages, served in his local militia and carried neutral political ideologies.

While it seemed like a bit much, I rationalized that the point of the watch was to be obvious, not tasteful. The idea was to have passers-by stop in their tracks, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, and try to murmur, in their awestruck state, “Nice watch.”

In response to this I would act really cool and casually respond, “What, this old thing? Why, it’s nothing short of a bona fide Swiss Military watch. It was made in Switzerland, you know. No, please, there is no need to kneel in my awesome presence. No need to kiss my feet like that, either, for you have done more than enough simply by noticing my excellent choice in wristwatches.”

Remarkably, this never happened, but I only wore it for a little more than two years before the battery died.

This is why you should think twice about purchasing a Swiss-made watch. A simple battery replacement can easily become an absurd extravaganza lasting months.

Normally, when a watch battery goes dead, protocol dictates that you stop by the local jewelry store, and in less than half an hour, you have a brilliant, fully functioning watch.

Apparently, the reputation of Swiss watches instills palpable fear into the hearts of American jewelers. If you tell the jeweler the dead watch is of the Swiss-military variety, his or her initial bright and shining smile will turn to an expression of horror, as if you were a decapitated leper who had just opened the Ark of the Covenant.

On the day I became aware of my deceased battery, my dad and I went to at least three jewelers, each one shying away in terror and recommending that we visit a kiosk in the mall.

At a loss for options, we approached the kiosk. I handed the honored timepiece to a young girl. After a lot of hammering, banging and fussing, the girl confessed that there was nothing she could do.

To make a long story short, the watch has been taken to a much better jewelry store, which repaired much of the additional damage inflicted by the kiosk employee. The watch has since been shipped to some frustrated guy with a German accent living in New York.

And this is all for a battery.

When buying gifts for your significant others this holiday season, don’t go for something reputable and flashy like a Swiss Military watch. Find something that speaks to the heart. Buy your loved one a cheap, glow-in-the-dark Timex.

Kurt can be reached at kse1@pitt.edu