The fine art of re-gifting

A visit with my family over Thanksgiving break got me to thinking. You know that feeling? You… A visit with my family over Thanksgiving break got me to thinking. You know that feeling? You wake up at the crack of dawn Christmas morning. Perhaps snow is falling. You jump out of bed in your stocking feet and run to jump on your parents’ bed. Perhaps screaming for your siblings to wake up. Okay, if you were five.

In actuality, your dad’s performing Chinese water torture on your forehead, and your mom’s pulling all your sheets off you and blinding you with sunlight. After all, it was Christmas Eve the night before, and you’re struggling with the aftereffects of one too many cups of eggnog. Ah – it’s a wonderful life.

But it truly is, as you trip down the stairs, hobbling over to the coffeemaker with one eye open. You’ve already forgotten about the drinks you had last night because you think you might pee your pants, waiting to see the look on the faces of your family members as they tear into the presents you put quite a lot of thought into.

So maybe you went out the day before, but still, you know your father’s going to love that “#1 Dad” troll you bought him. And your mother? Who wouldn’t want a potholder made in Mexico?

And then it happens.

The anticipation ends even before it begins. That fake-joyful smile your dad makes as he unwraps your duct-taped and newspaper-wrapped troll and counterfeits that smile of gratitude. Perhaps he even goes as far as to chuckle. In actuality, he’s displaying that well-known sign, saying that Christmas can be over now that he has received your present.

But stress no more. Hide your embarrassment. No longer contemplate why you didn’t buy him the “Somebody in Pittsburgh Loves Me” mug at the rest stop instead of the troll.

Thankfully, in a conversation with my uncle over cranberry sauce, I learned a few things about buying the perfect gift this Christmas. These are merely suggestions to gift giving that won’t have you running to the mall or annoying the operators of QVC. Start a new holiday tradition. Begin to re-give gifts.

Guidelines to the Art of Re-Gifting:

Rule 1: “The given gift should never be re-given to the original gift giver.”

Rule 2: “When given a crappy gift, re-give this gift to a person you would never want to receive a gift from.”

Rule 3: “If caught re-gifting, always blame family history of insanity or fake narcolepsy.”

Apparently, this has worked for my uncle for years. Just be sure you’re the person re-gifting, so as not to get the ugly knitted sweater passed down from your great-aunt. And a warning, though I shouldn’t have to tell you. Never re-gift food. An ugly sweater is one thing. Food poisoning is quite another.

I guess giving truly is better than receiving.