Protect yourself against shaving nicks as red as communism

Every time mankind has taken a great leap forward, there have been naysayers. Every… Every time mankind has taken a great leap forward, there have been naysayers. Every civilization holds the seeds of its own destruction, and for these lonely doom-and-gloom-ers, there’s only apocalypse on the horizon: They said that fire would be the death of us all. They said MTV would ruin music. They said the atom bomb was way more trouble than it was worth.

Now they’ve got a new bogeyman: the Schick Quattro. For those of you who don’t read Popular Science or the MIT Technology Review, the Schick Quattro is based on alien technology that bends the rules of time and space to fit four blades onto a single razor. Powered by a small star, the Quattro shaves progressively closer with each blade. It’s been known to shave the dendrites right off a neuron.

With a Quattro, even the hairiest back can be shaved smooth, down to the level of individual atoms. No more late nights wrestling with the hedge-trimmer and a mirror, trying to make sure you don’t miss a spot.

Of course, some Luddites, like my colleague Mr. Janik, feel threatened by such a powerful razor. Today’s Chicken Littles got hit on the head with a four-bladed razor and think the sky is falling. “Too many blades!” they squawk.

I hate to dignify such tantrums with a rebuttal, but let’s dismantle that argument in the easiest way possible: by taking it seriously.

Mr. Janik contends that if the razor advancement continues apace, shaving will become hopelessly complicated, leaving Americans as degenerate mountain men and women. Come off it, sir. Surely you don’t mean to suggest being unable to shave would turn all of America into Northern Michigan. And what’s wrong with Grizzly Adams?

Oddly, my opponent also argues for the opposite outcome – that a shave too close is the path to totalitarianism. It’s ironic, because who ever heard of a clean-shaven tyrant? Mr. Janik’s argument reminds me of famous leader who doesn’t appreciate a close shave: He prefers a bushy, unkempt beard, and his name is Fidel Castro!

Mr. Janik and Castro both would have our children grow up in a world where three blades should be enough for any man. My only response is to ask: why do you hate children so much, Mr. Janik? Perhaps you only hate them as much as you love Cuban cigars?

The Razor Wars are not the result of some scheming multinational corporation forcing better technology upon the people in a bid for world domination. The Schick Quattro is not the eclipse of civilization, but its savior, the last, best hope of mankind. It is a razor that looks to the future, not to the past.

America was founded on one simple idea: that things can always be better or, at least, easier. The shining city on the hill is a utopian dream of convenience, where, one day – God willing – our faces will be shaved clean by lasers, our buttocks wiped clean by robots, our bodies fed a delicious intravenous drip of ice cream and candy canes. That, my friends, is true freedom. It’s what we’ve been chasing ever since we rid this land of those inconvenient Native Americans.

The Razor Wars are the latest battleground in the clash of civilizations. Some people, like Mr. Janik, would rather live in medieval world of three blades. They don’t understand our freedom to improve the human condition, and some of them hate us for it. But their hate cannot defeat our hope, for we are the future. And I am your president. Thank you.

Jesse Hicks is a clean-shaven columnist for The Pitt News. E-mail him at jhicks@pittnews.com.