Hey baby, what’s your magic number?

My Dearest Sex N’at:

I’m currently with a boyfriend, it’s been almost a year. And I’m not… My Dearest Sex N’at:

I’m currently with a boyfriend, it’s been almost a year. And I’m not one who keeps boyfriends. He knows that I’ve had a wild past, but tries not to think about it. But lately, he’s been more and more concerned about the number of guys I have slept with in my past. He says he doesn’t want to know because he knows it’s way more than what he wants it to be. He told me that if it was any more than four, then that would just be disgusting. Meanwhile, my magic number was 36 before the age of 19. So, I’m extremely frightened that one day he will want to know the number. Do I tell him the truth and take the risk, or do I tell a little white lie to the guy I plan on marrying?

Dear Do I:

If you plan to marry this man, you are obligated to not lie.

“Not lying,” however, is not the same as blurting out the statistics. This is a touchy situation, and he’s bound to be affronted by – and agog at – your number. If he’s going to be freaked – and he is – avoid revealing the digits in question.

You can tell him your number is high, higher than his, and higher than he’d like it to be, and you’d just as soon not reveal it. There’s no reason he needs to know specifics.

If he demands your number, though, you have to tell him. However, there is no real reason for him to make such a demand. Frankly, it’s none of his damn business, and if you have changed your ways, it’s irrelevant. If you are really in love, and you both honestly believe you’ve set aside your wild ways in favor of a life with him, he can take it. He’ll be shocked, sure, but if he leaves you over the revelation of your magic number, it was never meant to be.

You say he hasn’t asked you yet, and he knows you had a wild past. What makes you think he’s going to ask? He doesn’t really want to know. He wants something to hang over your head, something to dredge out during nasty arguments. He has, in effect, called your past – and, by extension, you – disgusting. Don’t think he won’t use that word again.

His claim that more than four is disgusting is awfully harsh. Are you thinking of getting hitched to a monk? Look, 36 is a high number. You know that, or you wouldn’t have asked for my advice. But it’s not unreasonable. And if you were safe, and have tested clean for everything – and I mean everything – since you began to be monogamous with this man, then your number is irrelevant. Who cares how long it took you to arrive at your current maturity level?

I think your whole situation kind of stinks of failure. You’ve been together for almost a year, which isn’t a very long time, but you say you think you are going to marry him – yet you don’t mention that until the end of your letter. It’s just about an afterthought. You aren’t one to keep boyfriends, and you are contemplating willfully lying to someone you claim to love and want to marry.

He has nearly unreasonable standards, and likes knowing you are in fear of telling him you don’t meet them. He sounds pretty manipulative, and sounds like he likes playing head games.

What’s his magic number? Have you asked? Is it, oh, let me see, four? Because if that’s the case, what he can’t stand is the notion of you being more experienced and worldly than him, which is sort of sad and wrongheadedly competitive.

I gotta tell you, I’m not at all optimistic about this relationship. Your lifestyles don’t mesh, and you are both playing games. Best of luck with Mr. 37 – you’ll need it.

Melissa Meinzer had a tremendous time in New England this weekend. Ask her a question at sex@pittnews.com.