Limp Bizkit’s latest gets no results at all

Results May Vary

Limp Bizkit

Interscope/Flip Records

0 stars

While Fred Durst might… Results May Vary

Limp Bizkit

Interscope/Flip Records

0 stars

While Fred Durst might hope that the title Results May Vary connotes the inner struggles of not being able to please everyone, in turn hoping to milk whatever empathy Limp Bizkit fans have left for the whining “MC,” it’s clear that the title also functions as a disclaimer: If you don’t dig this album, then it’s just not for you.

In Limp Bizkit’s tenure as nu-metal royalty, Durst and company have graced stadium stages with their angst-ridden squirming and pyrotechnic gimmickry and offered up MTV-friendly radio farts for an increasingly pigeonholed audience of hormonal kids.

On Results May Vary, we find a 31-year-old Durst falling back on the same profane proclamations, tired catch phrases and laughable arrogance that have sold Limp Bizkit records for the past half-decade.

The album’s first single, “Eat You Alive,” starts out the belch-fest by ogling uninterested women, as Durst chants, “Damn/You’re so hot” and admits, “I’d love to sniff on them panties,” while oscillating guitars and corny drum thumps give the head-bangers something to bob to.

On “Underneath the Gun,” the band slips into an improper ambience, with uncomfortably sustained guitar chords giving way to Durst’s sorry self-pity. Tracks like “Down Another Day” and “Build a Bridge” follow suit with lyrics like, “Change is melting everything,” and “It’s gonna fall apart/Break my heart.”

Elsewhere, Durst cries himself to sleep, laments over a “lonely world,” and thoroughly butchers The Who’s “Behind Blue Eyes,” leaving the listener drenched in a pool of his lyrical drool and tear-drops.

Results fails even to provide the memorable, if classless, hooks and chorus lines of a past Bizkit material. Instead, we hear the mish-mashing of overproduced instruments and a surplus of shrug-off-able convictions.

I suppose, then, that this album just isn’t for me. It’s true that some people might connect with its crotch-grabbing machismo and aimless emotional slobbering, but the fact remains that Results May Vary is painfully fantastic example of why Durst should grow up, get over the emotional turmoil of his youth and stick it up his – whoa.