Why do we care what Paris Hilton does by nightvision?

“Dude, have you seen this Paris Hilton video?”

No, who’s that?

“She’s famous!”

For… “Dude, have you seen this Paris Hilton video?”

No, who’s that?

“She’s famous!”

For what?

“Well, she made this video …”

By now, almost everyone has heard about the infamous Paris Hilton sex video, shot in grainy nightvision three years ago with the heiress’s then-boyfriend, Rick Solomon. The video itself isn’t that hot; if you’ve ever actually had sex, there’s nothing new here. Well, OK, the nightvision is sort of hot, in a Silence of the Lambs kind of way. But really, it’s nothing more than a rich girl answering her cell phone and rolling around with a slightly paunchy older man.

What’s all the fuss about?

The sex is garden-variety, but the story is less about sex than about access and envy. We love and hate our celebrities, often at the same time, because they are famous and we are not, yet we can’t look away. We need intimate details about Ben and Jennifer so we can admire them, but we always have to watch from a distance. We can’t be them.

For Paris, the spotlight’s glare is especially harsh, because no one can remember exactly what she’s famous for, which makes our attention even more conflicted: Why are we watching these people, again?

Several commentators have complained that the Hilton sisters don’t deserve their fame, as if celebrity weren’t completely arbitrary, depending entirely on where the camera’s gaze falls. Do we really think Kato Kaelin and Monica Lewinsky “earned” their fame? OK, maybe Monica’s got more talent than Kato, but you see my point.

Paris skirted the sticky question of deserving fame by taking a shortcut through infamy. Born into a rich family, she’s free from the burdens of accomplishment, with enough money to be whomever she wants. It might seem odd to suggest that she set out to become a staple of the gossip pages – by drunkenly dancing on tables, wearing the least amount of clothing allowable by law, and generally being hot and outrageous – until you look at how well it has worked.

We wouldn’t be watching Paris if she were only rich – there are no Warren Buffett sex videos floating around, and believe me, I’ve looked. Yes, being hot and blonde helps, but you can’t coast on that forever. Again, take my word on this.

Realize that Paris has spent her whole life in front of the cameras, learning how to act and how to be the epicenter of attention, and you start to understand the twilight zone she lives in. It echoes the old Zen koan: if you have sex in an anonymous hotel room, but there’s no one there to tape it, did it really happen? The ever-present fear is that if you sail outside the public’s attention, you plunge into the abyss.

You might think that sounds like a pretty dismal way to live, as a slave to others’ attention. Somewhere inside, I think Paris knows it. She’s “embarassed and humiliated” about the tape’s release, according to Associated Press reports. This is a girl who’s only 22, has been self-destructing in front of the cameras for years, and has undergone rehab and psychiatric care. She’s guilty only of craving the limelight, because, you know what? Everyone has sex, and it’s pretty sad to hear that called a mistake by pundits who have, after all, downloaded these clips in the name of “research.” But for Paris, it’s the rule to live by the spotlight and die by the spotlight.

While life has no second acts, television always has at least a third. Paris has an album deal, is working on a new television pilot, and is in high demand for interviews. We’ve seen her rise up through the gossip columns to C-list recognition, witnessed her fall to new heights in that long, dark nightvision of the soul, and now wait to see her redeemed. It will happen where everything real happens these days: on TV. Her new show, “The Simple Life,” starts Dec. 2 on Fox. Check your local listings.

E-mail Jesse Hicks at jhicks@pittnews.com.