Getting the caffeine monkey off my back, one breakdown at a time

After about two months of rehabilitation, it feels good to finally come clean. I had an… After about two months of rehabilitation, it feels good to finally come clean. I had an addiction – not something I’m very proud of, but nonetheless I accepted the truth. You see for most of my life, I struggled with a dependency on Coke.

Whoa, not that kind of coke, Mr. Downey. I’m talking about Coca-Cola, which contains the most sinister of all drugs – caffeine. Caffeine is the scourge of society, the real public enemy number one that is destroying today’s youth. But no longer will this dangerous narcotic infect my system, for I have officially quit the drug – for a little while anyway.

Quitting caffeine was not an easy or pleasant thing to do. The first weekend I decided to avoid the drug looked a lot like the opening scene of “Apocalypse Now.” Music from The Doors blasted from my stereo while I stripped down to my underwear, did some funky martial arts moves, busted a mirror with my fists and smeared the resulting delicious blood all over my grinning, disillusioned face.

Well, maybe it didn’t happen quite like that. Actually I just slept a lot – a whole lot. But in the end, I think I’m a better person because of my decision.

So what exactly made me decide to kick the habit? Did I have a death wish? Am I really as deranged as I look? Did I suffer from some sort of head trauma? In a way, yes.

I frequently suffer from torturous headaches. Note that when I say “frequently” I mean every freaking day at about three o’clock in the afternoon. Every so often these headaches will get a bit wacky and turn into something fun called a migraine. If you have ever wondered what Curly felt like whenever Moe crushed his skull in a vice grip, you should try getting a migraine headache.

After doing a little research into the subject, I discovered that my ailments might be caused by dietary elements. If I wanted to be rid of the headaches, I would have to cut down on processed meats, cheese and, of course, caffeine – so much for my patented bologna, Cheez Whiz and Excedrin Extra Strength sandwiches. Naturally, my first inclination was to construct a makeshift gallows and learn to tie a sturdy noose, but then I thought perhaps a change in lifestyle could be good for me.

If I cut out the caffeine, I would feel less tension, nervousness, jitteriness and nausea. Ironically, during those first few drug-free days, my teeth were clenched tight enough to crack walnuts, my nerves were shot, my hands were shaking like two coin-operated mattresses and my stomach felt like a haggis platter. There was also a curious combination of insomnia and narcolepsy, which I am not too sure how to describe, but I think it would be similar to having your brain replaced with a mixture of sour cream and rusty nails.

But after that initial shock, I felt a lot better. Now I feel well rested, and the occasional thoughts I have are much clearer. Going caffeine-free is a mind-altering experience. It’s an epiphany, just like discovering the differences between boys and girls or switching from briefs to boxers. If you ask me, everyone should try to go caffeine-free for at least a month.

Look at yourself, clutching your empty coffee mug in a shaky, white-knuckled grip with blood-shot eyes bulging out of your skull as you internally scream, “Where’s my caffeine?” You haven’t had a good cup of joe in over seven minutes, and now your system cries for a fix the way Rush Limbaugh cries for a jelly donut laced with OxyContin. Get a hold of yourself.

Sure you will feel some tension at first, and yes, you will feel sleepy, crabby and all-around miserable for a while. But once that phase passes, you will be a new person, ready to seize the day with an unsurpassed optimism. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am about to go gnaw my fingers until they are nubby, bloody stumps.

Kurt knows where to score 20 kilos of chocolate-covered espresso beans. Send comments, quips and queries to kse1@pitt.edu.