The Real Pitt – Bouquet Gardens

The Beatles smile down on the Bouquet Garden girls from a picture over a corner booth at Joe… The Beatles smile down on the Bouquet Garden girls from a picture over a corner booth at Joe Mamma’s. And, really, what’s there to talk about over half-priced food, peach cobbler and cannoli but Tom Green — ‘not the one with one ball, but the renegade Mormon’?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Renegade Mormons, ahoy!

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Nothing inspires people to talk about polygamy more than dessert and pasta. And while Kiran’s sorority sister Sara studies for her advertising class in one corner, and Jessica and her boyfriend Matt canoodle in the other, Molly, Moira and Kiran bust on poor Tom Green, his five wives and their 25 children.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘He just produces a lot of,’ Kiran thinks aloud, ‘of people.’

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ A lot of people, and a lot of something else that’s milky and white. Apparently, Molly has followed the plight of the virile Tom Green — not the funny one who had cancer, but the one, funny in a different way, with lots of offspring — since his debut appearance on the Jerry Springer Show, which aired around the time Molly was 13.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ This scene provides a picture of the girls at rest. Just this morning, Jessica completed two exams. Kiran’s always been a self-proclaimed library junkie. Moira’s relaxing from a few weeks of studying. And Molly doesn’t sweat school — she just sweats smacking down lippy hos.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ This is what higher education does to people. It forces them out for cheap food and strange conversations.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ And the conversations remain consistently odd with this group. Like any cluster of young people who share bathrooms and a kitchen, they get past the ‘hellos’ and ‘how are yous’ and get right down to the ‘Why do we like the cock?’

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Because it’s filling.’

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ But not as filling as Joe Mamma’s.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ As soon as the food reaches the table, it’s quieter than it was after Kiran yelled, ‘Oh my GOD. I don’t even know WHERE I AM!’ just as the music had died down on the restaurant stereo. The waitress stopped doing her jazz hands in the corner, and all the other diners halted to look with forks full of food halfway to the destination of their open mouths.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Wait, no, maybe that was quieter.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Midterms, people. They kill brain cells. Specifically midterms like Indo-European Folk Tales, a course Molly and Jessica share.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Why is that my most stressful class?’ Molly wonders. ‘Am I being racist if I hate foreign cultures?’

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Well, considering the fact that the teacher asks questions about burning frog skins, it seems it’s not Indo-European racism — it’s teacher hate, or required-course hate, and perhaps that’s not all together uncommon or horrible.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ But these girls jovially hate a lot of things. Molly seems to have beef with Puritans, men, women, AIM profiles that address life or love philosophically, Elizabeth Smart and, of course, people from the West.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Utah people are weird,’ Jessica says.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘People out west are weird.’ Molly adds.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird is a conversation evolving from Elizabeth Smart to a man having children with two sets of mother and daughters, at the same time.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Weird is eating ‘the fried’ off of onion rings.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Weird is peach cobbler in an Italian Restaurant.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Weird is, in essence, the ultimate college experience.