Don’t pick me up

I’m not vain, but over the past few months, I must have gotten H-O-T. Either that, or the… I’m not vain, but over the past few months, I must have gotten H-O-T. Either that, or the fashion industry must be experiencing a shortage of bottoms for guys, because they are desperately searching for another pair of pants to get into.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ A trip to the bar to meet up with a girlfriend turned into a night of rejecting guys’ embarrassing pick-up lines. And I do mean embarrassing.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Upon walking into the bar, a guy walked up to me, stuck his finger in his mouth and then onto my shoulder — ewww — and said, ‘We have to get you out of those soaking wet clothes.’

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ My response was, ‘Oh, that’s so embarrassing for you.’

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ And it was. Who says things like that?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ And then there was, ‘Excuse me, but you seem to have dropped’hellip;’ I began looking down at the floor for whatever must have fallen out of my purse. A few seconds later, he finished his sentence by saying, ‘your smile.’ Let me tell you, I certainly didn’t pick it up for that guy.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Luckily, those guys quit while they were ahead — in their case, behind, actually. Some guys, however, aren’t so quick to give up. And so we move on to the persistent idiots — the ones you have to lie to about your sexuality to, in hopes that they will leave you alone, as my friend Jamie did. But alas, they just asked her if she would be interested in a threesome with a girlfriend. Hello, didn’t you hear her say she was a lesbian?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The other persistent chaps don’t seem to understand what ‘boyfriend’ means. All in all, it means you don’t have a chance. Because if the boyfriend actually does exist, then she isn’t on the market. If he doesn’t, then she’s just trying to get you off of her back.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ This weekend, a friend of a friend thought that by offering me a fancy dinner and night out at the bar — promising me ‘whatever I want’ — he would pique my interest. I told him that I had a boyfriend. His response?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Wow, that sucks.’

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Uh, no it doesn’t.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘For me it does. Does he treat you good?’ The audacity! If he didn’t treat me well, do you really think I would be with him?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ And upon finding out that he may have to meet my boyfriend later that evening, as we would all be at the same place, he stated that that would be really awkward. Why would that be awkward — did he prematurely ejaculate while sleeping with me in his dreams? Now, that would be one sticky situation.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ These situations don’t just rear their ugly heads at bars and parties, either. They occur while walking down the street, at work and in class.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The problem with guys like this is that, while they may have had a chance before they opened their mouths, it went out the window with that cheesy pick-up line. Asinine comments like the ones above don’t make a girl feel pretty or even flattered — they make us feel cheap and degraded. We know that, when we reject you, you are just going to move onto the next unfortunate girl. We don’t care, either. We pity the both of you — you for making an ass out of yourself, and the next target because she is going to have to waste two minutes of her time listening to your meandering foolishness.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The best way to go about getting a girl to pay attention to you is to buy her a beer and strike up a conversation — if you are at a bar. At a tailgate? Ask her who she thinks is going to win and why. Borrow her notes if you have class with her.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ But please, please don’t tell her that her name must be milk, because she’s doing your body good.