The truth is out: Snuggle Bear is a playa

It’s Halloween. Everyone, everywhere is being deluged by gruesome images of zombies,… It’s Halloween. Everyone, everywhere is being deluged by gruesome images of zombies, vampires and trashy pop stars, and has been inundated with such imagery — and the crass commercialism of the candy companies — since late August.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Because of that, it’s not my aim to contribute to this avalanche of horror. But I can’t help myself.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ There’s something out there more horrifying than the prospect of spending a night in a haunted house, being eaten by zombies or watching ‘Gigli.’ It’s the latest ad campaign from the people over at the Snuggle fabric softener company.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ How, you might be asking, could Snuggle be so scary? It features a kindly stuffed bear as its mascot/spokesman. Ah, but you have to look at how the company is using Snuggle Bear to recognize the horror.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Over the summer, print ads and television commercials began appearing that showed Snuggle Bear engaging in a posh lifestyle of women, sex and Calvin Klein-esque excess.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ One commercial that is particularly noteworthy begins with a beautiful woman walking sensuously toward a huge swimming pool outside of a Grecian mansion. She dives in, swims slowly toward the other end of the massive pool and, even more slowly, gets out, walking towards a couple of lawn chairs. When she reaches the chairs, a towel is handed up to her by an as-yet-unseen second person. It’s safe to say it’s a man — everything else about this commercial looks like a perfume ad, and a ripped dude in those ads almost always accompanies a hot lady.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Oh, but not here. No, the person giving the towel to the woman isn’t a person at all — it’s Snuggle Bear!

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Snuggle Bear is wearing sunglasses, loungin’, watching this woman swim, chillin’ out like a badass — Snuggle Bear is a playa! Maybe he and Huggy Bear are related somehow.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ For a while, these commercials and ads disappeared but have since come back. One of the billboard ads, which can be seen on some busses, has Snuggle Bear lounging in a canoe with a different woman and a nondescript bottle of Snuggle is underneath the image, looking like a perfume bottle.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ While this is an extremely clever way of marketing fabric softener — poking fun at fragrance magnates like CK and Tommy Hilfiger is always fun, especially in this case because both Tommy Girl and Snuggle are, in a way, fragrances — it’s scary as hell.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ There are the obvious reasons, like coming to the realization that there are women out there with a stuffed animal fetish. Or realizing Snuggle has sold out, going from a low-key lifestyle of just scaring the crap out of people in their homes when they open their linen closets to the posh lifestyle of Grecian manors and fast women. Even worse, Snuggle is getting around, and it’s not a given that he’s going to stay as ‘snuggly soft,’ so to speak, after coming into contact with that many ladies.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ But scariest of all is the prospect that Snuggle Bear, a stuffed animal and laundry product mascot, is better at attracting the ladies than me, a real live person.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Ok, so maybe it’s just a scary proposition for only me, but I can’t help but think about how shocking it is that while I sit in a bar or hang around a party, Snuggle Bear is out there, taking care of business, be it by a swimming pool or in a beached boat. Either way, I’m still out there giving it the old college try, never reaching the Snuggle Bear playa apex.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ But let me be clear. I don’t want to imply that I want Snuggle Bear’s fast lifestyle. Far from it. I don’t condone the way Snuggle Bear has been conducting himself. At his current pace, he’s on track to be an E! True Hollywood Story. Oh, sure, he’s living high on the hog now, but just wait — MC Hammer was too legit to quit, now look at him.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ All I want is to know his secret. Sure, he’s got fabric softener money, but there should be more to it. Yes, he can afford those Greek-looking palaces and unseaworthy boats that exist just for show, but what is it that he has that so few other, real people, do? What is his secret?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ It’s probably something that will never be revealed, but I can hope.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ And while I ponder over this modern mystery, all I can do is get my Snuggle Bear costume for the many Halloween bashes I’ll be hitting up and hope that a little of the actual Snuggle Bear’s charisma and what-could-be-called sex appeal rubs off on me.