Am I hot or not?: the 2004 presidential version

The first televised presidential debates on September 26, 1960, set the stage for the… The first televised presidential debates on September 26, 1960, set the stage for the pretty-boy president by pitting that crotchety, dog-faced fossil Nixon against Kennedy, a youthful sass-machine so friggin’ hot that he could talk you out of your panties by just yawning. These two titans of really boring presidential TV were apparently equal in substance, since radio listeners thought Nixon had won the debate.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Yet the 70 million Americans watching on TV found Kennedy’s hot booty shaking and ‘Who gives a crap? It’s only the presidency’ attitude so much more alluring than Nixon’s clammy nerves and ugly demeanor that many analysts agreed this was the turning point of the election.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ This is just another example of the fact that Americans are superficial valley girls — they want an attractive, charismatic president because they can’t stand to look at a normal-looking person on TV unless he’s getting a makeover. Consequently, I assert that I can prove who, out of the frontrunners, will become the next president chiefly on looks and attitude.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Here is the Presidential ‘Am I Hot or Not?’:

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Al Sharpton

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I don’t want to alarm anyone, but do you realize that this man isn’t even white? Considering that this country gets anxious about inaugurating a rich, white, male Catholic, I wonder if Sharpton understands just how thoroughly he’s wasting his time. And that mustache! Martin Van Buren had some wicked muttonchops, but bushy lip-fur? I know what you’re saying, Al: ‘Look, I’m black. We’re all doing it.’ That’s no excuse. Still, the fact that he’s a venomous firebrand is a plus.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Hotness: 2.5

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Joe Lieberman

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Listen, Joe — I’m Jewish, you’re Jewish, we’re all f—ing Jewish. You, my friend, look like Kevin Spacey’s dead grandfather with an ass-chin that had implants. The way you talk is so dry and monotone that I fall asleep, wake up again and fall asleep some more every time you move your mummified lips. You make Carson Daly look good. Joe, I had a splendid time at the bris, and I’ll see you and Aunt Sadie at my place for Chanukah, but there’s no way you’re getting my vote, or anybody else’s.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Hotness: -6

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Howard Dean

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Dean’s only 5-foot 9-inches, which is how tall I am, so that can’t be helping him. And when this guy smiles, his meaty face looks like a choice rump roast. Other than that, he’s got some sex appeal, he’s charismatic and he’s a doctor — so with any luck, he’s more eloquent than Bush, Martin Lawrence or hopefully both.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Hotness: 7

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ John Kerry

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Is this a presidential race or a ‘Night of the Living Dead’ marathon? His face looks like the mask from ‘Scream.’ I hear he’s filthy rich, but who cares? He’s Skeletor reincarnate. And at 59, no one should have such a luscious head of hair. I surmised that this mop on his head is an immortal sentient being that is controlling Kerry’s already dead body a la ‘Resident Evil.’ If Kerry wins, the hair will enslave us all.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Hotness: Kerry: 1.33; The Hair: 8

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ George Bush

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ It seems unfortunate that Bush — a terrible speaker — beat out Gore, because Gore sounds like a prototype ‘Speak and Spell.’ Though Bush is at the top of the pack in rugged good looks, especially when compared to Kucinich — the son of a pterodactyl and my crusty, perverted uncle — he’s in some serious political hot water. Unless he can get another catastrophic international tragedy for Americans to blindly rally around the flag, he’s toast.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Hotness: 7.5

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Wesley Clark

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I say this guy wins. His reputation is squeaky clean, and he makes me think of a really laid-back Mr. Rogers. He is the most presidential — except for Bush of course. In a political race reminiscent of a harried mob of geezers at the Philadelphia Geriatric Center all trying to get to the cafeteria, I say the able-bodied Clark will beat out the competition and be the first one served his banana mush.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Hotness: 10

A dog named Loki peed on Ben Rubin’s leg. E-mail him at headpsychlo@yahoo.com.