One man’s journey to Shangri-Laid

Dear Sex N’at:

I am a really shy male freshman. I have very little experience with women… Dear Sex N’at:

I am a really shy male freshman. I have very little experience with women and had my first kiss only over this past summer (which I feel is very pathetic). Now that I’m at Pitt, I want to have a girlfriend or just get laid. Basically I want some kind of contact with a female besides friendship. I have tons of friends that are girls that I have no problem meeting, but when the intent is to have some kind of “relationship” I totally melt and become a nervous wreck. I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me … can you give me any advice?

Dear Shy:

It’s too damn bad that you’ve been conditioned to think having your first kiss after high school is pathetic. That’s not pathetic. Don’t you think maybe kids in high school getting knocked up or diseased is a little more pathetic? So you aren’t a raging manwhore. Good for you.

Don’t feel bad about your lack of experience, but if it makes you unhappy, then let’s figure out how to take you away from the Land of No Nookie and into Happy Hookup Heaven.

You have no problem meeting women. You’ve already busted through the first sticking point for most men. So, women in your life, and the ability to meet more? Check. Congrats.

What is it that immediately puts you into The Friend Zone with these hordes of women? Having a million female friends could lead to trouble in the way you are perceived by potential boot-knocking partners.

Do you give off gay vibes? If that’s the problem, you can ooze heterosexuality, even without walking around with a copy of Hustler in your backpack. Casually mention how hot a particular actress is – but carefully. “Damn, I’d like to tap that bedonka donk donk,” isn’t going to get you any closer to Shangri-Laid, but neither is exclaiming, “Ooh, doesn’t she just look statuesque in that great piece of Marc Jacobs couture!” See what I mean? Expressing sexual interest in a famous, unattainable female gives you straight cred without the side of skank.

On the flip side, if you are constantly seen with women, maybe you come across as a big ol’ player. And really, that’s not going to help – unless you just want to nail some drunken party girl. If that’s all you want, damn, just go do it!

Okay, so we’ve established you as a nice, clean straight boy. You’ve got female friends but you can’t make the jump into the sack with one – well, just one, for now.

So, the best way to make the jump? Headfirst, no looking. Don’t be afraid of rejection – it’s going to happen.

Yep, I said it. You are going to get rejected. It’s part of the deal. Knowing it’s going to happen will help take the sting out. I’d bet that’s what makes you a nervous wreck. If you stare down your fear and piss in its eye, it has a lot less power over you.

So, ask one of your cute female pals out for dinner. It’s not a date, it’s just a meal, right? No stress. Take her to a movie or some equally banal second-part-of-first-non-date event. It’s not important. Have a good time, and just try to kiss her at the end. If she reciprocates, great. Go from there.

If not, you’ve just gotten your first rejection. And no one can ever reject you for the first time again.

Once upon a time, even Melissa Meinzer was a shy freshman. Okay, that’s a bald-faced lie. Ask her a question anyway at sex@pittnews.com.