Our demographic has to be the one to take action in 2004

The other day I was taking a champagne bath and reading my mail. Well, actually, I was… The other day I was taking a champagne bath and reading my mail. Well, actually, I was reading someone else’s mail. I don’t get any, but the people who lived in my apartment before me still receive a ton of postal correspondence every day. I know it’s a federal offense to read other people’s mail, but the illegality of it makes the champagne bath all the more decadent. That and the chocolate covered loganberries.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ To my surprise, a letter came for me, telling me I was a registered non-affiliated voter in AlleghenyCounty. I tried to sift back through champagne-soaked memories to when I had registered, but the strain of it made me fart into the bath.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Then I remembered that a friend of mine had given me a form to fill out and then did all the hard stuff for me, like not losing it immediately and mailing it to the voter application place. Thus, I am now enabled to do my most sacred duty as an American citizen.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Since I turned eighteen, I’ve had no inclination to become a voter. If I started voting, it would only be a matter of time until I’d have to start doing other responsible things like jury duty. Even when George Jr. was elected president and I became worried about the astuteness of the American public’s decision-making skills, I never completely lost faith. People would come to their senses once they saw what a monkey lil’ George was and they’d give him the boot just like they did with his more intelligent Pops.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Then Sept. 11, 2001 occurred and gave our president the distraction he needed to divert our attention. Americans took to vengeance, paranoia, and blind self-righteousness like flies to doo-doo. It’s not surprising. Look how readily we embraced the Macarena and the WB network.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Now our economy is slow and gets picked on by the other economies at school. A growing number of Americans and Iraqis are dying because Bush pushed us into an unjustified war. Despite this, there is a very real chance George W. Bush is going to be re-elected.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ A larger percentage of Americans than I thought must be doing crystal meth. The man lied to us about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction, and is responsible for so much death and destruction, yet there was no call for impeachment. We tried to impeach Clinton because he got head from a fat girl and lied to us about it. I guess making us bomb fodder is fine but keeping the nasty details of your sex life private is unacceptable.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I’ve come to realize that I have to start voting. I owe it to my fellow citizens to vote Bush out of office. I also need to make a difference for myself. It’d be really nice to graduate college and enter into a vibrant economy with lots of opportunity and equality. If I get stuck doing something really boring and unfulfilling for the rest of my life, I’ll snap and take a few people with me — that I promise.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Most of all, I owe a debt to later generations of Americans. Yes, the children of America need me to create a future worth living in for them. I want kids, yours and mine, to grow up well educated by the public school system, without hatred for other cultures, free of misconceptions about pre-marital sex, and with genetically enhanced superhuman strength.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I’ll be voting come election time. And get this: I don’t have to do any of the extra stuff like voting in the primaries because I’m ‘independent.’ I’m not sure whom I’ll vote for unless Jesse Jackson decides to run. But I know Bush will not be getting my support and I sincerely hope he has to pack his bags and go back to his kick-ass ranch and his millions of oily dollars. It’s not that I hate the guy — I’m no hater. I’m sure he’ll be content when he has lots of free time to play Tiger Woods Golf on his PS2. I just don’t want him running the country and making decisions that affect me in any way.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I think the real momentum for ousting Bush has to come from our demographic. After all, we’re the near future. Nobody listens to whiney left-leaning columnists and protester sissies. It’s up to us to take the bull by the balls. The government can’t ignore the roar of millions of chads being punched, demanding fair and competent leadership. If things don’t get better I’ll have to stop taking champagne baths and instead soak in gallons of Pabst.

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Seth Steinbacher is not funny and he’s a liar. If you get close enough to him, he even smells like mediocrity. Email him at ssteinbacher@pittnews