When outsmarting the TSA, be sure to include your resume

What would you say if I told you I could smuggle box cutters, matches and fake plastic… What would you say if I told you I could smuggle box cutters, matches and fake plastic explosives onboard a plane?

“Not in my America!” you’d say.

What if I told you I could do it four times, leave the contraband hidden in the plane’s bathroom along with a note explaining how I’d done it, e-mail the relevant authorities my name and phone number in case they needed more information, and still not be questioned for another five weeks, after they finally found my care packages?

“Great Caesar’s ghost!” you’d exclaim. “This hypothetical situation has me wetting myself with terror!”

At the same time, you’d be thinking “What an innovative way to apply for a job in airport security.”

That’s exactly what Guilford College junior Nathaniel Heatwole – self-proclaimed “voice of dissent” – did, in an act of what he calls “civil disobedience.” His claim that he just wanted to draw attention to the holes in airport security has many people calling him a hero. Others consider him stupid and reckless, or wonder how, exactly, smuggling box cutters onto a plane is an act of civil disobedience.

It’s more an act of self-promotion, given that both the General Accounting Office and Department of Homeland Security have admitted airport security is mediocre at best. They didn’t admit that it will remain so as long as so-called “civil libertarians” carp and cavil about enduring body cavity searches every time they puddle-jump from their San Fran lofts to Seattle for a tasty latte. But they’re just kowtowing to the Soul Patch Mafia.

The way Nat got his foot in the door might seem desperate in a normal economy. He’s got competition from other freelancers, though, like former Navy commando Steve Elson, who’s helped 15 television stations demonstrate security holes.

Navy commando vs. pacifist hunk – there can be only one.

Nat holds the advantage so far, buoyed by the spirits of Gandhi and Thoreau.

Which perfectly illustrates the value of having your act together when you’re gonna break the law to draw attention to yourself. The extra time spent on a coherent manifesto, with resume attached, will go a long way in separating you from the herd. You don’t have to be the Unabomber, but at least try to get some thoughts down on paper. Otherwise you’ll be breaking rocks in Attica instead of pulling into a prime parking space at the Office of Homeland Security.

Which is what could happen to Heatwole if the public cry for his canonization doesn’t force the authorities to let him off with an honorary “Junior Deputy of Airport Security” badge. Charged with smuggling concealed weapons onto an airplane, Heatwole was released without bail, but is banned from boarding any planes between now and his Nov. 5 hearing. Surely airport screeners around the country will sleep soundly knowing they’re safe from this one-man security menace.

Luckily, Nat has mastered the other key to landing your dream job: networking! Congressman Edward Markey, among others, suggests the Transportation Safety Authority hire Heatwole to help them close security holes, since the professionals seem to be one step behind America’s college students. That kind of support will open a lot of doors.

Having a Congressman in your corner isn’t an ironclad guarantee of employment, though. Nat may have slipped up, because he made his future bosses appear incompetent. No one likes a suck-up, but no one likes to think the underlings are all laughing as soon as the boss leaves the room, either.

The higher-ups at the TSA are now forced to face the laughter. Billy Vincent, a former security chief with the Federal Aviation Administration, chuckles, “That the system is so vulnerable that a 20-year-old college student can penetrate it so easily it says a lot about where we are today with airport security.” Ha! Funny because it’s true.

But the TSA has a reputation to uphold: a reputation for averaging a solid F+ in airport security.

Heatwole has seriously damaged that record, and maybe because he’s a strapping young political science and physics major from a southern Quaker school, he’s captured America’s heart and imagination. Maybe because we love a maverick – for whatever reason, Nathaniel Heatwole speaks to something in all of us, the part of us that wants to go out and find out just how secure our airports really are. He’s shown us what it means to have a dream.

Because of his ability to think “outside the box” and to “provoke paradigm shifts within the organization,” and despite his making the bosses look like fools, I think Nat will get the job.

And then, dare we hope, Nathaniel T. Heatwole for President?

Jesse Hicks was never that enthused about ham radio, but CB radios always gave him a delicious thrill. Breaker breaker, come on back at jhicks@pittnews.com.