California recall good for a laugh, at least

The California recall has me totally hooked. I cannot stop watching Schwarzenegger not answer… The California recall has me totally hooked. I cannot stop watching Schwarzenegger not answer questions, and try to explain his sexist approach to the female gender. I love watching the Democrats cut each other’s throats, and the fact that no one even talks about good ol’ Gray Davis any longer.

I was living in California during the debacle this summer. All these yuppie Republican kids kept bothering me to sign their petition to recall the governor. I once asked one of these soldiers of darkness why he felt it was necessary, and his response was, “Well he screwed up the power, L.A. had to turn its lights off!” I hope the silence that filled my brain after such a statement can never be reproduced. I stared, then asked him about Enron, and, well, the conversation only caused me more pain than pretzels cause Bush.

I had no idea you could recall an election until I arrived in California. It is amazing what a conservative, multimillion-dollar campaign can do to expedite the implosion of democracy. I love the notion of popular initiative. I wish Pennsylvania had it, but it strikes me that this was a clear abuse of power.

Darrel Issa single-handedly funded the entire recall initiative in order to slide into the throne of governor himself. As soon as his devilish plan to recall the governor came to fruition, over a hundred candidates took advantage of his investment.

I was stopping by my usual coffee shop and the entire front page of the San Francisco Chronicle read, “RECALL.” No one could believe what was going on. The usually lackadaisical citizens of the Republic of Berkeley were in an uproar.

And then, in a move that would have made P.T. Barnum the proudest man ever, the California recall race got under way. Gary Coleman, the Terminator, Larry Flynt and gads more paid their filing fee and are now on the ballot. The circus of the West had moved to center stage for all of America to watch with anticipation.

Am I entertained by all of this? Quite. Do I know the point of it? No, I do not think I do. California has one of the biggest economies in the world. As of right now, they have no money, so at first glance, it seems ludicrous to spends millions of dollars on an election. Alas, if this is what the people wanted, then so be it. The rest of us get to kick back and watch the spectacle.

Issa was soon to be out of the race, crying like a freshman’s mother. I guess I would be sad, too, if I spent my fortune trying to overthrow the republic, only to have some movie star move in and crush every one of my dreams. I laughed, he cried; it was a menagerie of emotions.

And while everyone is preparing their campaigns, and defending their sultry lives, Gov. Davis turned to God. Even his own lieutenant governor joined the race, leaving Davis alone in Sacramento. If the recall fails, I think Davis should call all of the Democrats who ran to take his job and tell them to “suck it.” Instead of the Democrats focusing every penny into a campaign to make the recall fail, they decided to go for the gold. Due to absolutely no Democratic cohesion, a Republican may actually run the state of California in a few weeks.

Maybe it won’t happen, though. Those angels from the ACLU convinced the courts that this election would disenfranchise voters. California is not ready to throw together an election that quickly; the voting machines are not usable. Al Gore cheered, and the candidates continued to talk about nothing.

The one we hear the most is Arnold. He is everywhere I turn. I swear if I hear him say once more, “We need to clean house in Sacramento,” I am going to vomit; every time he is asked a question, he says some idiotic kitsch line. But now, Arnold has been forced into answering for statements about women and his role in a few orgies.

This is far too scandalous for my taste, which is why I think Larry Flynt is the best candidate for governor. He is a self-described smut-peddler who cares. The man has gone to the Supreme Court to defend our right to free speech. By any standard, he seems to be a very good businessman who could help the state with its fiscal woes. If we decided to fight for popular initiative and then recall our governor, I hope Mr. Flynt would come and run here.

Josh Ferris regrets every day not registering from his place in California and voting absentee.