Quality suggestions for drinking fun

Ask a college student to name humanity’s greatest achievement, and you will most likely get… Ask a college student to name humanity’s greatest achievement, and you will most likely get the response: “Beer!” If said college student does not name some kind of alcoholic product, then he or she is probably drunk.

How can you blame them? It makes the most reserved hermit a social butterfly, and it makes ugly people hot. It also gives you a viable excuse for running around with your underwear on your head, yelling, “Rock ‘n’ roll forever!” before vomiting profusely and passing out on your friend’s davenport.

But as wonderful a hobby as drinking is in itself, there are certain things you can do to make the most of your inebriated state. Likewise, there are some things you should avoid doing.

Here’s a collection of what you, a perfectly competent and intelligent individual, should – and should not – do while your liver is bloated with enough toxins to warrant a Mr. Yuck sticker.

If you’ve drunk enough that basic motor skills are difficult, then you should capitalize on your confused state. Do embarrassing things for small sums of money. Make wagers with your friends. Bet that you will voluntarily have your head shaved or that you will cheerily dance on a table like the women in “Coyote Ugly.” By now you’re far too silly to care about your self-image, and your nay-saying friends will be forced to cough up the dough they risked thinking you had dignity – silly them. Besides, if you do anything really ridiculous, you can blame it on the booze later. They’ll understand.

Don’t take the dare thing too far, though. Those of you who read up on the Darwin Awards may recall an incident in 1995 when an especially sauced Polish farmer cut off the end of his foot with a chainsaw just to assert his masculinity. Ostentatious showmanship like this will get you nowhere.

One to-do is: Follow in the footsteps of F. Scott Fitzgerald, the boozehound/author, and use your keen, drunken insight to write a best-selling novel that captures the spirit of your generation. If you find the prospect of writing a novel intimidating, try writing a dirty limerick or two – just be sure to hire an agent and get it copyrighted before it gets all over town and you miss out on the royalties.

Being creative is good.

Standing in front of a state trooper and making lewd remarks about his or her spouse is bad. State troopers don’t have much of a sense of humor in dealing with this sort of thing, and after let’s say forty minutes or so, he or she may feel obligated to grab a Breathalyzer and give your mother yet another embarrassing phone call.

Beer-fueled trips to the grocery store are also ill-advised. It seems like a good idea at the time, but when you wake up the next morning with a closet full of instant grits and cake frosting, you’ll wonder what could have possibly been running through that oxygen-starved brain of yours. Worst of all, you’ll realize the money you spent on such frivolities could have been used to buy things that were at least 50 proof.

The best thing you can do while drunk is buy drinks for other people so that they may share your obfuscated happiness. Buying drinks makes instant friends.

So get out and party until your breath can ignite acetylene torches and your blood becomes so alcohol-rich that it can be served in a shot glass. Just stay away from those car keys – state troopers don’t have a sense of humor about that either.

Kurt is more of a gin martini fellow. Contact him at kse1@pitt.edu.