Tommy Maddox can lead Steelers to Super Bowl XXXVIII

In tribute to my favorite writer, ESPN.com’s sports guy Bill Simmons, I am going to share my… In tribute to my favorite writer, ESPN.com’s sports guy Bill Simmons, I am going to share my sports-related ramblings with you. So here goes nothing.Allen Iverson signed a four-year-contract-extension for almost $80 million. What does this mean for Philly fans?

Well, besides watching A.I. shoot 34 percent from the field until 2009, it means their streak of early playoff exits will continue. Is there somewhere that I can bet the 76ers won’t win a championship during Iverson’s’ tenure?Anytime poker is on ESPN or the Travel Channel, can you turn away? I know I can’t; maybe that’s just the gambler in me. By the way, anyone want to lend me 10 grand to enter the World Series of Poker? I promise to pay it back after I win.How many millionaires get convicted of underage drinking?

Only in the National Basketball Association does this happen. Portland Trailblazers forward Zach Randolph, who just turned 21, was convicted of underage drinking stemming from an incident last May.

With the influx of teenagers in the NBA, an underage drinking arrest was bound to happen, but Portland again?

The Trailblazers aren’t the best team in the NBA, but they do lead it in arrests. I wonder how soon the next Trailblazer will go down. My money is on Damon Stoudamire, who leads the Trailblazers in off-field activity. Some of you out there who received underage-drinking citations probably were fined. Randolph was, too; his total fine: one dollar.Speaking of fines, I think the parking police have it in for me. I just received tickets nine and ten of the year and it’s still September! Anyone else have this problem?

How am I supposed to keep track of which side of the street is getting cleaned each day? I called 4-FACT, and they told me to walk outside and check the sign. I am far too lazy for that.Speaking of lazy, where exactly can I park when I drive up to the Petersen Events Center to work out?For former high-school athletes, is there anything better than intramural football? Sunday kicked off the season, and I am juiced for my squad’s Wednesday night kickoff. I know I am not alone in this, but isn’t the most important part your team name?

My team’s name shall not be mentioned, but when you look at the schedule and see your opponent has a dumb name, don’t you get real cocky and say, “they can’t be good; their name is weak?”This just in: Trailblazers forward Rasheed Wallace was ticketed for driving with a suspended license and driving without insurance. How can an NBA player not have insurance? Must be too hard to afford after those one-dollar fines.After visiting Vegas for the first time this past August, I have discovered a man can live on Red Bull alone. Could this be the reason I lost money there?

Perhaps, but the most difficult transition in school this year was trying to incorporate my Red Bull diet. It’s a work in progress, but anyone know where I can get a case of Red Bull for fewer than $40? Maybe 4-FACT will tell me to check the signs there, too.Am I the only one who wishes “Family Guy” was back on the air? This show is as underrated as Neil O’Donnell was as a quarterback. Come on people, he took us (by us I mean the Steelers, and yes, I am on the team) to a Super Bowl.

Both should be brought back, one on Comedy Central, and the other on ESPN Classic. If Classic has room for the United States Football League, there must be room for dear Neil.Hey, Pittsburgh, if O’Donnell can get to the Super Bowl, why not Tommy Maddox? Don’t give me this “he is not mobile and is easy to hit” nonsense. He is an exact copy of O’Donnell.

You never hear people say, “Drew Bledsoe is not that good; he is immobile.” Besides, Sunday’s loss to Tennessee was an aberration. Once the offensive line gets healthy – basically, when Marvel Smith returns – the Steelers will be fine.Eagles fans, I received all your online complaints about Donovan McNabb. If only I actually listened to your arguments. The Eagles, despite their Sunday victory, are not a good football team. Bottom line, the Eagles have no offensive weapons.

Oh, and your one former weapon, just like me, was a much better player and athlete about 20 pounds ago. Considering the Eagles receivers disappeared, is it possible McNabb ate Todd Pinkston? Or just ate too much Chunky Soup?

Matt Miloszewski is a sports writer for The Pitt News and wishes he had a mailbag following like Bill Simmons. He can be reached at mattmilo50@hotmail.com