Perpetually single? Blame the city

In 2001, we were second to last. By 2002, we dropped to last. 2003? Dead last again. Over… In 2001, we were second to last. By 2002, we dropped to last. 2003? Dead last again. Over the summer, Forbes Magazine readers voted Pittsburgh the worst American city for singles.

Give or take a few months, I’ve spent the majority of my 20-year life single with no complaints. But one day, I’ll want to change my unpronounceable last name. Although I’m attending Pitt to get an education, I also hoped this four-year investment would result in a potential significant other.

But apparently, Pittsburgh may not help make the dream a reality.

One of Pitt’s greatest qualities is the wide variety of opportunities it offers its students. If you want to spend a semester aboard a cruise liner, Pitt makes it happen. Interested in Arabic? Scuba diving? Collegiate ultimate Frisbee? Pitt takes care of you. They should do the same for the decision to remain single or not.

Perhaps it isn’t Pitt’s fault, but that doesn’t exempt it from remedying the situation. If Pittsburgh was rated the most unsafe city in America, I have no doubt Pitt would make sure its students were protected while on campus. Why not approach the dire singles situation the same way? Pitt cannot leave its single students helpless. How else are we to marry in Heinz Chapel and generate offspring that will attend Pitt? The future of our children, Pitto and Pittina, depends on addressing the struggles of Pittsburgh singles.

According to Forbes.com, one of the reasons for Pittsburgh’s low rating is the lack of single people. Pitt’s admissions office can tackle that problem. Why not insert check boxes with “single” or “not single” on applications? If a potential student marks the “single” box, an extra 200 points should be added to his or her SAT score.

The next step in improving Pitt’s singles scenario involves Residence Life. Social psychology tells us proximity is a dominant force of attraction. Instead of organizing dorm residents by grade or major, availability should be the main room-assignment factor. Doors should not only post residents’ names, but also zodiac signs, favorite movies and what they find most attractive in a partner. If a resident becomes un-single and wants to remain in the singles dorm or floor, he or she must assist another student’s quest for attachment.

Room for improvement also exists outside of the residence halls. Stores don’t make customers guess if something is on sale. There are classified ads and “For Sale” signs that allow consumers to know what merchandise is obtainable. Single students should follow that example and wear emblems advertising their availability. In class, professors are in the position to help a single guy or gal out by assembling group project members according to their single or non-single status. We give professors our Social Security numbers; why not disclose our availability category?

Above all, to keep students from resorting to online dating services, Pitt needs to establish mind-reading classes. Regardless of how many telepathic messages I send to the cute guy sitting next to me in the Hillman Library, oddly enough, he never responds with a marriage or Dave ‘ Andy’s proposal.

Maria is glad she can now blame Pittsburgh, not her own social incompetence, for her perpetual single status. Contact her at mdw49@pitt.edu.