Dancing leads to fun – and far worse

In a nod to the nation’s Puritan history, Allentown, Pa., has been enforcing a 1931 ban on… In a nod to the nation’s Puritan history, Allentown, Pa., has been enforcing a 1931 ban on dancing after 1 a.m. Active enforcement began after August 17, when, according to Mayor Roy C. Afflerbach, fights had escalated into near-riots. Weapons, drugs and alcohol have been confiscated outside dance clubs.

The city’s two dance clubs – not bars – stay open until 5 a.m., but apparently, revelers are expected to sit around discussing philosophy at 3 a.m. on Saturdays.

Clearly, cutting a rug is the cause of all of Allentown’s woes. Everyone knows that dancing is the devil’s handiwork, and leads to all sorts of naughtiness. Who knows, it could even lead to fraternization between the sexes. And what’s next? Unauthorized grinning? Laughing out of turn? The ramifications are terrifying.

What about some drastic changes to the laws? Instead of outlawing dancing, outlaw fighting. Outlaw drugs. Make it a crime to have open alcohol containers. Oh, wait…

One has to wonder if there is a spectrum of illegality. For instance, does doing the Macarena warrant deportation? Anyone caught doing the Electric Slide should probably get the electric chair. And the Achy Breaky? Violators should be shot on sight. What about the horizontal bop?

And who determines what, exactly, counts as dancing? One man’s limping lurch is another man’s busted move. Do horrible dancers get a pass because no one but them thinks they are “dancing?”

What about car-dancing? You know, the seated rhythmic wriggle when a good tune comes on the radio. Is that just a misdemeanor? There aren’t any feet involved, after all.

Instead of outlawing dancing, outlaw the causes of dancing. Make possession of feet a felony. Junk all the jukeboxes. Put the hammer down on humming.

Chasing down errant boogiers is clearly the best way to utilize the police force. It’s not as if Allentown is always among the state’s top cities for per-capita murders. And imagine how great an officer must feel after breaking up a dance-ring. The rush of a career in law enforcement must really be great after that happens.

Before dancing becomes a national epidemic, federal lawmakers should follow Allentown’s stellar example. We clearly need to outlaw all dancing in the country. Then, the economy will improve, there’ll be jobs aplenty, and there will be no anti-American sentiment abroad.

But heaven forbid we celebrate by dancin’ in the streets.