Me and my big boobs don’t have it easy

“Her boobs are out of control!” my roommate shouts as we watch the MTV Video Music Awards for… “Her boobs are out of control!” my roommate shouts as we watch the MTV Video Music Awards for the nineteenth time in two days. Pamela Anderson has just strutted on stage with her two friends, Fake Boob 1 and Fake Boob 2. My roommate, with her mouth still hanging open, is right. They’re huge. But what baffles me is why she would chose to enlarge her breasts from normal to out of control. The fact that she’s not alone confuses me even more.

Although I haven’t starred on Baywatch or a riveting home video, I believe I can relate to Pammy. As my mother puts it, I’m well-endowed. At Victoria’s Secret, my size is always in a drawer, never on display. Sometimes the bras of my size are more expensive then the smaller versions, a practice I call boob discrimination. Moreover, if someone accidentally hits my breasts, I simply say, “It’s not your fault.” They can be difficult to avoid.

I consider myself quite modest, so I hope I didn’t give too much away about my body, but just enough to give me credibility.

Outside of the porn industry, larger breasts have no advantage over smaller ones. This is a constant debate between my A and B friends and I. Big breasts are a burden, not a blessing. Jennifer Love Hewitt said in Seventeen Magazine that she was once uncomfortable with her 34C bust size, but eventually saw her breasts as “accessories to various outfits.” She must have been referring to topless bathing suits. Because, pardon the alliteration, but bigger breasts make shirt shopping suck. When a top fits my chest, it’s too long in the sleeves and too baggy elsewhere. If it fits in the sleeves and torso, my chest is always busting out enough for my mother to say, “Oh honey, I don’t think so.”

Another point my A and B friends think they have in defense of larger breasts is their ability to attract members of the opposite sex. For what? Rarely when married couples are asked, “How did you meet?” does the husband reply, “She had huge boobs, and the rest is history.” Is the kind of guy who is attracted to large breasts the guy you want to be attracting?

Furthermore, my back hurts. Breasts are not made of air, nor can they be taken off at night. Believe me, I’ve brainstormed surgery-free removal methods, and came up with nothing but a still-aching back and more envy for women of moderate breast sizes.

That’s why I’m completely confused as to why someone would choose to enlarge her breasts – more specifically, pay thousands of dollars to place a foreign substance in her body via traumatic surgery to alter her breasts. Women have died from the surgery and the after-affects. Is filling out a tube top worth an early death?

I know there are plenty of women who are just as unhappy with their less-than-large breasts as I am about my more-than-small ones. But as someone on the other, larger side, I implore you to cherish your able-to-fit-in shirts and every-bit-as-attractive, painless breasts. And for those of you who are observers rather than carriers of breasts, instead of drooling at Pam Anderson, Fake Boob 1 and Fake Boob 2, please tell your significant other how perfect her breasts are.

I can ramble on about adoring your breasts, but what am I going to do in order to one day adore my own chest size? To avoid Pam’s out-of-control appearance, I plan to become incredibly obese, so my breasts blend in with the rest of my body. Who needs breast reduction surgery when there are Twinkies to be eaten?

Maria Wrzosek is a columnist for The Pitt News.