Let’s talk about “Sex N’at” baby, let’s talk about you and me

Welcome to the sexiest four years of your life. Or five or six, or a semester or two…. Welcome to the sexiest four years of your life. Or five or six, or a semester or two. Whatever. It’s college, and chances are you’re going to be doing a fair amount of boning – or getting boned, for you semanticists out there.

And I’m interested. I want to hear all about it. I want to tell the world what you horndogs are up to – or are abstaining from – in the privacy of dorms, apartments, back seats and back alleys.

It’s a safe bet that in these, your glory days of fornication – or determined abstinence, for all two of YOU out there – you’ll have some questions. You may wonder about techniques, accessories, practices, relationships or God knows what else. Where’s a puzzled sex-o-naut to turn?

Here. To me.

That’s right, here at The Pitt News, we’ve decided to acknowledge the rabbit-like enthusiasm for play going on out there, and to provide a caring ear – my ear – for your concerns. “Sex N’at” will run every Monday with your questions and my answers.

I won’t run your names, but feel free to make up saucy nicknames to run alongside your smutty – or not so smutty, if you insist – questions. I’ll address as many questions as space permits each week. You can e-mail me at sex@pittnews.com or, if you are really brave, drop questions off in my mailbox at 434 William Pitt Union, the office of The Pitt News.

What’s the catch, you ask? Well, I cannot claim to have any other than “experiential” expertise – and that, of course, means stuff I accidentally read on the Internet, Mom, ha, ha. I am by no means an official expert and I have no medical training. So please don’t ask me why it burns when you pee. I have no authority to dispense even remotely medical advice.

But if you want to know if it’s okay to ask your boyfriend to wear panties next Saturday night (oh, dear God, yes), or if thinking Johnny Depp is hot makes you gay (no, he’s the one man all straight men can agree is dead sexy), ask me. Wondering how to prevent chafing and unsightly rugburn? Do you have concerns about your self-molestation habits now that you live in a pie-slice-shaped closet with a total stranger? Does a tongue ring really make it better? Where can you find decent bondage gear around here? Is he playing you? You get the idea.

This I promise: you cannot gross me out. I’ll be amazed if anyone fazes me with a question. Hit me with your deepest, darkest concerns. I promise I won’t bat an eye.

To give you an idea of how this column will go, I solicited some questions from friends, enemies and random strangers for this inaugural edition of “Sex N’at.”

Dear Sex N’at:

My girlfriend of almost six months is bisexual. I knew this from the start. The other night, when she was fairly drunk, she asked me if I wanted to try a threesome. It sounds like a lot of fun, in theory. I’m concerned about the effect it’ll have on our relationship, and I’m a little nervous. Should I do it?

Cautiously Intrigued

Dear CI:

Like most heterosexual guys, the thought of being in the room with two naked chicks gets you hot and bothered. Also like most heterosexual guys, the actuality of it may be too much for you to handle. There are a lot of potential psychological and relationship-related bombs hidden in a seemingly simple tryst like the one you are describing.

Is this relationship shaping up to be long-term? Do you love your girlfriend, or are the two of you merely passing time? Watching the woman you love moan in ecstasy from the ministrations of someone who is not you is an entirely different can of beans than watching the woman you like – and are currently sleeping with – do so.

The best thing to do is wait until she brings it up again while sober. If she doesn’t, or only talks about it when she drinks, she doesn’t really want to do it. Talking about a threesome is a sexy way to get you fired up, but maybe that’s all she wants to do.

If you are in love, I would advise against actually carrying it out. Regardless of how enlightened you both are or claim to be, there will be jealously and weirdness. If, however, you two are just sort of bopping along for the time being, go for it! Ye gods, how hot!

Find a private place with a big bed and set aside plenty of time. Agree beforehand on what to say if anyone gets weirded out and wants to stop. Getting drunk is a terrible idea, but, assuming, of course, that you are all 21, a glass of wine might help everyone relax. Don’t be too anxious to just plow ahead – take your time, enjoy yourself!

Threesomes rarely work out emotionally, but nothing on this earth is more scathingly sexy. Good luck.

Dear Sex N’at:

I use way more hair-care products than any of the other guys on my floor, and I’m thinking of getting a manicure next week. My roommate keeps insinuating that I’m gay, but I really, really like girls. What the hell?

Well-groomed Hetero

Dear WGH:

You, sir, are one of the few, the proud, the metrosexuals. “Metrosexual” denotes a new wave of the best of both worlds: straight boys with the appetizing attributes of stylish gay men. You are not alone. Don’t worry about what your floormates say. It’s not their opinion that matters – it’s women you are looking to impress, right? Let me let you in on a little secret. We like boys who are clean. We like boys with style. We are really impressed by a lack of foul smells and hangnails. We like staying in apartments without science experiments growing in the refrigerator. Groom on, you crazy straight thing of beauty, groom on.

Melissa Meinzer is not a medical professional by any stretch of the imagination. Ask her a question at sex@pittnews.com.