A how-to guide to the Opinions section

Hello and welcome to The Pitt News Opinions section. Your tour guides today will be Melissa… Hello and welcome to The Pitt News Opinions section. Your tour guides today will be Melissa Meinzer, our opinions empress – er, editor – and myself, her lovely assistant, Sydney Bergman. Please keep your limbs inside the section at all times. A helmet is recommended, but not required.

For the safety of our audience, we ask those who are offended by well thought-out, well constructed columns, letters to the editor and editorials to leave now.

To those that remain, welcome to the Opinions section. Often the smallest part of the paper – we prefer the term “petite” – it is where people express, well, their opinions. Through reflection on events at Pitt, as well as local, national and international news, the Opinions section provides focus and perspective.

In addition, the section gives Pitt students and affiliates a voice. Columnists, newsmakers and Joe Pitt Student can make their opinions heard. The Pitt News Editorial Board weighs in on issues from Pitt’s newest athletics fiasco (and believe us, there will be one) to national affairs.

Sex: This year, we revamped the section with some new features. First, Melissa Meinzer will be writing “Sex ‘n’at,” a sex advice column – without benefit of any official qualifications. Each Monday, you can pick up the paper to find advice on whatever sexual endeavors you might undertake.

Learn how to convince your boyfriend to be in a threesome with another man. Find out how to circumvent the constraints of Towers living – including a lack of bed frame – with netting and D-rings. Explore which household objects make good sex toys and which ones will hinder normal ambulation. Be sure to read before you end up with a Batman action figure lodged in a very uncomfortable place.

Columnists: Each semester, we at the Opinions section hire between 10 and 15 columnists to write weekly or biweekly columns. Columnists must apply – applications are available at 434 William Pitt Union – and will be selected about two weeks into the semester.

Former columnists include Brentin Mock, who now writes for City Paper, Nancy Reddy, a nationally published poet, and Genghis Khan.

Columnists become minor campus celebrities. Their columns and pictures are published regularly; they are paid for their work and enjoy all the benefits of being semi-famous semi-locally – free refills, I’m looking in your direction. Moreover, they get to do what millions of young adults long to: express themselves publicly. No, not in that way. Ew.

Anyway, columnists pick their own topics, pour their minds and hearts into them, and, as a result, can be read by about 30,000 people. That’s like having Statesville, N.C.’s entire population listening to what you have to say. And you don’t even need a bullhorn.

If you’re interested in voicing your opinions, honing your style, or are just sick of that soapbox on Forbes, pick up an application at 434 WPU. Please. Think of the children.

Newsmakers: Because campus leaders cannot be columnists – cough conflict of interest cough, cough – the Opinions section publishes columns written by newsmakers so that the leaders also get a voice and can address the public. This allows them to voice their opinions on current campus topics. In the past, they’ve commented on voting and sex toys, and which sex toy they want in public office.

Campus Forum and letters to the editor: If you don’t have the time to be a columnist – after all, living the life of a celebrity can be consuming; just ask former columnist Elvis Presley – the Opinions section offers two other ways to get involved. First, in Campus Forum, we print topical submission columns – columns by non-columnists and non-newsmakers that address current events. Past Campus Forum topics have discussed the Iraqi conflict and Pennsylvania’s motorcycle-helmet laws. This forum can be a my-first-column for some, or simply a way to express opinions without that clunky Columnist title.

Letters to the editor, generally written in response to an editorial, are shorter than columns. If columns were a Long Island Iced Tea, these would be a shot of tequila, hold the training wheels. They address campus issues in a few sentences, and can show the general trend (or lack of trend) on campus. Letters also give those not attending or affiliated with Pitt a chance to respond to what’s printed in the paper, or to comment on the couch smoldering in their backyard.

This concludes the Opinions section grand tour. I hope y’all had a lovely time and will visit the gift shop located at 434 WPU. And remember, when playing Clue, it’s always Nordenberg in the Cathedral with the tuition hike.