Walking the plank would be better than this

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Starring Johnny…

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Starring Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom

Directed by Gore Verbinski

Despite the involvement of producer Jerry Bruckheimer (“Armageddon” and this summer’s “Bad Boys II”), whose philosophy of success at the box office may very well be to blow up everything in sight and then blow up the remaining ashes, “Pirates of the Caribbean” would actually be boring if it weren’t for a few actors’ contributions.

It’s a raucous-but-not-too-raucous film – from Walt Disney – about pirates and civilized guys fighting over a piece of gold and a pretty girl. The girl is Elizabeth Swann (“Bend It Like Beckham” sweetheart Keira Knightley), a governor’s daughter who is abducted by nasty pirates that turn into goofy CGI skeletons when moonlight hits them. These baddies are the crew of the Black Pearl, led by Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), who mistakenly identifies Elizabeth as the girl whose blood they need in order to lift a curse that keeps them from ever satisfying their hunger or quenching their thirst, a curse that basically takes the fun out of being a pirate.

Lowly blacksmith and law-abiding citizen Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), secretly in love with Elizabeth, enlists the legendary-for-not-being-a-legend Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) to help him rescue, and thereby woo, the girl.

But the whole affair just isn’t that exciting. Based on a 10-minute amusement park ride, the film coasts along from one soft action sequence to another – they’re like fireworks bought at a grocery store – for, absurdly enough, almost two and a half hours.

It’s the performance of Johnny Depp that makes the film watchable. The actor hasn’t pulled out this kind of bizarreness in years. His character is an aberration, practically a new invention in comedy. Our first look at him – his permanent drunken gait and slippery talk – is actually disarming. And through all the movie’s mediocrity that follows, he remains captivating.

Geoffrey Rush also does great work, even as the film around him sinks. He’s much more devoted than the script deserves, made up so grimy and haggard that he looks like Nick Nolte.

And the Disney factor? “Pirates” is the first PG-13 film the studio has ever released – the mouse is open to broadening its horizons now that traditional animation is dead and its contract with Pixar is ending – and while it’s not graphic, it does feature a pretty clear gunshot wound to the head, some throat slashes and bunch of walking skeletons that had kiddies squirming at a local screening.

The 8-year-old boys loved it though. They absolutely loved it.