Nordenberg should name Mr. Panther new athletics director

Chancellor Nordenberg: So, Mr. Panther, it says here on your resume that you have no… Chancellor Nordenberg: So, Mr. Panther, it says here on your resume that you have no experience in administration. How do you plan to execute the duties of the athletics director position without any prior knowledge of such positions?

Bronze Panther: Well, it?s true that I?ve never been in upper administration before, but I still think I can do the job. I mean, I have tons of experience being a symbol and inspiring people. Plus, the way I figure, you?ve got to be running out of people with experience by this point anyway. Can beggars really be choosers?

CN: Well, it is true that we are getting pretty far down the ladder in athletics. And I suppose you do have deep roots at Pitt.

BP: I?ve been here since the school started the athletics program. Now that?s seniority for you. Plus, I?m anchored into the ground by $10,000 of imported rock, and if those aren?t roots I don?t know what are.

CN: What we?re really looking for, though, is someone who will stick around even if we keep them in the dark about their job status or make them feel unappreciated.

BP: Did I mention the tons of stone under me? And if you want someone who can take abuse, I?m your cat. Have you seen the ridiculous things those students do to me?

CN: I?m glad you brought the students up. We don?t want anyone that?s going to be more loyal to them than to us. We know you have a history of living among them. If hired, can you assure us that you?re legitimately on the right side?

BP: If they?d been jumping on your back for two years, you wouldn?t ask that.

CN: Five years for me, but no matter. Yes, but are you any good at fundraising? This problem isn?t exactly limited to athletics. I mean, we?ve had to hire janitors to institutional advancement posts.

BP: That?s one way to get a living wage.

CN: Seriously.

BP: But to answer your question, yes, I?ve raised millions of dollars just by showing my teeth. If you need an animal that can get you money and stick around, you?re looking at him.

CN: Now, as I?m sure you?re aware, there have been some recent cases where conduct by athletics officials has been bad for some universities? PR. What assurance do we have that you?ll behave?

BP: I?m made of cast metal and I?m stuck in the ground by the aforementioned rocks.

CN: Yes, but there was that rumor about you and that Nittany Lion ?

BP: Hey, that was years ago, and I was little more than a cub at the time. Besides, no allegations were ever confirmed. And don?t worry, the Lion was a female.

CN: Well, that?s a relief; the last thing we need is another benefits case. I have to say, Mr. Panther, You certainly do stack up rather well, all things considered.

BP: Thank you, Chancellor.

CN: Just one thing. Those rocks?you said they were imported? They?re not from Nebraska, by any chance, are they?

BP: No.

CN: Los Angeles?

BP: No.

CN: Duquesne or CMU?

BP: No, sir. They?re from Italy.

CN: Ah, well there?s a relief ? Italy ? they don?t have an athletics department there, do they?

BP: Well, they have an Olympic team, but Pitt is a great place and I?m very happy here. Trust me, I?m looking forward to fulfilling my contract here at Pitt.

Greg Heller-LaBelle, like Pitt, knows what it?s like to be afraid of commitment. Applications for athletics director can be sent to editor@pittnews.com.