Don’t let them steal your money

Another remake. God help us.

The original “Italian Job,” starring Michael Caine in his… Another remake. God help us.

The original “Italian Job,” starring Michael Caine in his prime, is considered a classic caper film.

The new one, coming up with everything else of old in Hollywood’s current streak of bulimia, is so middling that it comes off more reprehensibly than most films that tip the scale to all-the-way bad.

This time around, Charlie Croker (Mark Wahlberg) and his crew of thieves (Seth Green, Jason Statham and Mos Def) are double-crossed after stealing a safe full of gold. The opening sequence, which offers a remarkably dull boat chase through the canals of Venice, clues the audience in on how the boys will pull off the heist later, as though we wouldn’t comprehend the idea if we saw it just once. Steve (Edward Norton) not only takes all the gold, he kills Croker’s mentor and safecracker, John Bridger (Donald Sutherland, collecting a quick paycheck).

Jump to a year later – Charlie has located Steve in Hollywood and sets out to recruit Bridger’s daughter, Stella (Charlize Theron), who can crack safes like her dad, to help him steal back the gold. From here, the film becomes a big commercial for those cute little MINI Coopers that can cruise through any tight space.

Wahlberg and Theron are par for themselves, but a couple of actors are uncharacteristically bad. Green tries in vain to squeeze laughs out of his character’s grating insistence that he’s the rightful inventor of Napster. Sadly, all that can be said for the usually-exciting Norton is that he has a moustache.

Even director F. Gary Gray has misplaced his edge. He’s proven in the past that he can be reasonably successful with comedy – he’s responsible for the cult of “Friday” – and suspense -“The Negotiator” – but neither laughs nor thrills hit here.

Stick to good policy and rent the original.