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House of 1,000 Corpses

Starring Sid Haig, Karen Black and Bill Moseley…

House of 1,000 Corpses

Starring Sid Haig, Karen Black and Bill Moseley

Directed by Rob Zombie

“Those motherf-ers got blood all over my best clown suit,” gripes B-movie veteran Sid Haig, just as the first of the opening credits appear onscreen.

Yes, after a several-year stint as “the film they don’t want you to see,” “House of 1,000 Corpses,” the cinematic opus of scary guy Rob Zombie, has finally made it to theaters.

Was it really the film’s “strong sadistic violence” that kept it from being released? Of course not. Major studios don’t fret over violence; they just keep cutting until the MPAA approves.

No one wanted to release it because it’s a really crappy movie.

Zombie should not resent all the delays and shutdowns, though. The reputation they gave the film – as something dangerous, something too horrific to unleash on the American people – is the only reason curious moviegoers showed up last weekend.

The film certainly couldn’t achieve a stigma like that on its own.

It has depravity, but it’s shallow depravity. I mean, it’s messed up that Zombie’s characters kidnap and torture cheerleaders, but there isn’t much in the film that’s more vulgar than just reading the idea of it on this page. There are brief flashes of unclear video footage of what might be torture, but seldom more.

Zombie essentially tried to make “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” but ended up with something that bears a closer resemblance to that film’s god-awful 1986 sequel.

The film is set in 1977, on a dark and stormy night, when a flat tire strands two young couples as they search for the burial site of a legendary torturer named Doctor Satan. Conveniently enough, a pretty female hitchhiker knows where they can find a tow truck. She leads them to her home, where her demented family – Gramps is a mad comedian, Ma is creepy Karen Black, one brother wears a mask to hide his deformed head and the other is a violent Satanist – is fresh out of torture subjects, since there isn’t much left of those cheerleaders. The kooky clan traps and terrorizes our protagonists for the next hour or so.

More troubling than the film’s content is its complete lack of scares. Zombie is so caught up in trying to gross us out that he neglects to deliver even a bit of suspense. By the time he gets around to actually having a heroine running from a monster – minutes from the film’s close – it’s too little, too late.

So now that horror still sucks, what can genre fans look forward to?

I’m saying our best bet is this summer’s “Cabin Fever.” The teaser is way creepy and reaction on the film festival circuit has been very positive. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Scare me. Please.