Some practical tops for the computer porn connoisseur

A college student has a few essentials he or she must bring to get through the arduous… A college student has a few essentials he or she must bring to get through the arduous academic year. He or she needs lots of pens, paper and of course, a trusty personal computer. One of the many advantages of being a Pitt student is having quick access to the Internet. This means the vast information superhighway is just a few clicks away.

You can now download any kind of pornography you want, whenever you want.

Sure, you can get the deluxe version of Snood or visit the Zapatista homepage for your Latin American class research paper, but more importantly, you now have the opportunity to see 14 guys and gals all hump away at each other day or night.

Everybody likes a good porn, am I wrong? I don’t think so. Unfortunately, not everyone is equipped to deal with the consequences of a dedicated and sincere porn-viewing habit. Questions arise such as, does this violate my homegrown morals? What will I say if my roommates catch me mid-spank? Or, in the worst-case scenario, what if when I take my computer home, my parents somehow find out that I’ve been looking at pictures of people putting carrots where they don’t belong and midgets orally pleasing persons with record-sized genitalia? Well, don’t worry my little pornkateers because I’m here to dispel those dismal clouds of worry.

The first question is easy enough to deal with. If you’re already looking at porn, your morals must be pretty flexible. Don’t let those feelings of guilt get to you. Just look at your reflection in the mirror and tell yourself, “I’m a good person. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating to the depravity of others and someday I’ll find a real person who’ll appreciate all the techniques and ideas I’ve amassed from constantly surfing adult Web sites.”

Maybe your religion or cultural standards demand abstaining from a little self-love. I’m afraid that’s something you’ll have to work out on your own. But let me just ask you this: When a person takes pent-up sexual frustration and channels it in a positive direction instead of taking it out on others, where is the crime in that?

Dealing with your roommates is simple. Sit down with them and work out a schedule in which each of you has an hour alone each day to take care of business. It may feel a bit awkward to broach the subject with them but chances are they are trying to work in some alone-time as well. Once the situation is out in the open it is much easier to deal with. And if you get caught in the naughty act, your best bet is to laugh it off. You still have to see one another every day so why not make light of it? Remember, masturbation isn’t just fun, it’s funny, too.

By far, the parent situation is the most difficult. Picture it: You’re sitting a the dinner table chomping down on mom’s meatloaf and your dad suddenly says to you, “So we took your computer to get it ready for next year and the computer guy says he found billions of pornographic images on your hard drive.” Your mom looks at you with a worried face and says, “He said you visited a site called ‘Little Orifices, Big Clitorises’ 79 times.”

Calmness is key here. Casually put down your spork and tell them college is a time for experimentation. They should be proud that you were responsible enough to explore the possibilities of double, even triple penetration from the safety of your own dorm or apartment. Don’t be afraid to sound a little condescending; after all, they didn’t have the technology for group sex back in your parents’ day.

So hopefully I’ve been able to clear up any concerns you may have had about looking at computer porn. Relax and enjoy the fruits of many a man, woman and animals’ labor. Porn is for everyone over the age of 18 and you shouldn’t let anything stop you from enjoying your government-sanctioned right to a hands-on pornographic experience.

Seth Steinbacher can be reached at ssteinbacher@pittnews.com.