Let slip the dogs of war – now with patriotic sweaters

Who wuvs puppy dogs?

I do. If you’re a regular reader of this column – hello, Tim Bodine of… Who wuvs puppy dogs?

I do. If you’re a regular reader of this column – hello, Tim Bodine of Oakland – you already know about my newest acquisitions: two of the cutest, most precious Labrador puppies your eyes ever laid themselves upon, Clementine and Mr. Peppers. I rescued them from a cosmetics testing lab six months ago, and since then I’ve helped them apply their makeup every morning. I don’t always agree with the looks they choose, but I allow them to experiment. I’m shocked and awed by how much they’ve grown.

Anyway, I was watching CNN and knitting my two pooches red, white and blue sweaters. As I watched the bombs over Baghdad, I realized there’s nothing cuter than a dog in a sweater. Except maybe a dog in a sweater, sporting a jaunty beret. That used to be cuter, until the French forgot to do as they’re told. Now berets sicken me. They’ll always be associated with diplomatic feet dragging, and that’s just sad.

My two bundles of joy came into the room and plopped themselves down in front of the television. Supposedly dogs see everything in black and white, but I’d like to think mine take a more complex view. Mr. Peppers is very much pro-war, while Clementine is more anti-peace – they have a good dialogue, kind of like my own version of Crossfire. Yet, that night, something was different. They looked to the television with their adorable eyes, then back to me. They were staring.

Something in their stares gave me “paws” to think.

They stared and stared, interrogating me with their eyes. They were asking me hard questions. They were asking why we had to wait until dark to scrawl Francophobe epithets on the neighbor’s garage door. If you’re allowed to hate a whole nation of people who disagree with you, you should have the courage to do it in the daylight, right? Dogs can be so naive.

They asked me if freedom fries really taste like freedom, or just the pettiness of a castrated Congress desperate to appear useful. (I don’t let them eat people food, so they’ll never know.)

Why, my two darling puppy dogs asked, did I continually sic them on protesters whose arguments were not only cogent, articulate analyses of the geopolitical ramifications of war, but concise enough to fit on a single poster board? That one was easy – because while anti-war protesters and I may disagree on many things, there is one thing on which we agree: Anti-war protesters taste delicious.

They were asking me whether patriotism is defined as putting an American flag sticker on your SUV. Is that supporting the troops? Of course, I said, as long as your SUV is big enough. It should have a smaller SUV inside it, for making those short trips from the front seat to the back.

We were reading this column by John LeCarre, titled “The United States of America has gone mad” – has it? Oh, you silly puppy dogs! I think it’s time for you two to get to bed!

So I tranquilized my two inquisitive pooches with a hearty dose of Fox News. They quit their yapping and I’m sure their dreams were fair and balanced. As I watched them sleep, I remembered why we are fighting this war: So that one day, Iraqi columnists will be able to have cute puppy dogs of their own. In 10 to 12 years, once the region has been totally stabilized by a series of wars and democratic revolts, the Iraqi people will finally have lovable pets. I guess I cried a little then, but it may have been because Bill O’Reilly was on.

You may reach Clementine and Mr. Peppers at jhicks@pittnews.com or on AIM: clemntyne3. Though they don’t have thumbs, they will do their best to respond.