Settle this like men – whip it out and insult each other’s mamas

I wonder if the folks in Ronald McDonald Land are becoming unsettled. I hear that Ronald’s… I wonder if the folks in Ronald McDonald Land are becoming unsettled. I hear that Ronald’s “fry kids” are getting picked on, even receiving terroristic threats. I’m sure the fat cats at ConAgra are spending billions repackaging their wares in red, white, and blue plastic.

If you haven’t heard the story, after France started doing the big veto dance in the United Nations boogie hall, Rep. Bob Ney recommended that the House cafeteria label all of their crispy, deep fried potatoes as “freedom fries,” just to stick it to the “beret-heads” over there in Europe. This is perhaps the classiest move in U.S. history. I’m expecting France to retaliate any day now, officially renaming all the tasty pieces of American cheese “Eiffel Tower slices.”

You realize that there is only one true way to settle this gripping issue. Handle it like a man. Mr. Ney and French President Jacques Chirac should both march into the U.N. building, unzip their flies, whip out their respective penises and shout, “OK, whose is bigger? Whose is bigger?”

China has ruled that despite the fact that “it’s only rock ‘n’ roll,” they “don’t like it.” This year, the Chinese government finally decided to lift a ban on the Rolling Stones and let the group release its first album in the country and even play shows at Beijing and Shanghai. You see, communists are always understanding and quick to embrace new thought. The problem is, those young punks the Stones want to play songs about intercourse and that kind of talk will simply not be tolerated in the land of more than a billion residents. Apparently, Chief China has done heavy research and determined that if concertgoers hear the words “Let’s Spend the Night Together,” they will run from the arena and start screwin’ like rabbits. Then China will officially explode.

To prevent horrible unrest, the Chinese government ruled that the Stones also cannot play the songs “Brown Sugar,” “Honky Tonk Woman” and “Beast of Burden.” Personally, I would have liked to have been there when the Chinese leader, who I picture as a man clad in sumo gear whose words don’t sync up with his mouth, tried to pronounce “honky tonk” in front of Keith Richards, who then in turn tried to correct him, only to find that he could not pronounce it either.

The answer to this problem is quite simple as well. These boys should just take it out back, smash a few beer bottles, insult each other’s mothers and take turns spitting to see who can hocker the farthest.

When it comes down to dilemmas that really matter, nothing grabs our nation’s attention like celebrities. So when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake decide to have a spat, move over “local nuns help charity” headline, make room for stupid, good-looking rich people. Since neither Justin nor Britney are allowed to swear in their music, I will refrain from profanity when describing their latest predicament. Justin is a little steamed that Britney wouldn’t be his date for the prom any more, so he filmed a video which shows him engaging in premarital hand-holding with another chick. Britney became irked that Justin was fooling around with the head cheerleader after school, so she hog-tied some dude named Ben and, in the most jealousy-inducing way, sports his phone number in her new video.

The only mature way to settle this dispute is for Justin to grow a pair and go into the nearest boys room to scribble “Britney is a slut” on the wall. Then, he will have to spread a rumor around gym class that he is “so totally over that bitch” and that he heard that she “totally put out with like 15 guys behind the Dairy Queen.”

In order to appease everybody, any minute now the U.S. government should launch the Statue of Liberty (it came from France, ick!) at Iraq, replace it with a giant model of Britney Spears (in the nude, yay!) and change the national anthem to “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” (air guitar for everybody!). This critical chess move should piss off the French, destroy terrorism, pamper Britney’s ego, and show our support for Britain, who “gotz our backs fo’ da rumble in da East.” Remember, when it comes to yo’ rep, dawg, you gotz ta play it street. And sometimes, you got to be a man.

David J. McCarthy would like to point out that if Bone Thugs-N-Harmony can work together with Phil Collins, then surely Dubya can work together with Saddam Hussein. Think rap video. E-mail your game directly “in da club” at davidj@pittnews.com.