Bush vs. Hussein: Leaders should duke it out themselves

The time has come again for us to prove that the American way is the best way.

Under the… The time has come again for us to prove that the American way is the best way.

Under the capable leadership of George “Hot Pants” Bush, we’re going to crush Saddam Hussein with overwhelming military actions against the Iraqi population living under his oppressive regime. Now a few people, probably a bunch of crystal meth smoking hippies, apparently missed the memo about patriotism and claim we shouldn’t go to war. But surely we must do something. Being the pacifist (pussy) that I am, I’ve come up with a few alternatives to war.

The real beef is between Georgie Jr. and Saddam. Then why shouldn’t they fight it out themselves? They should battle one-on-one – fisticuffs. Besides being a great opportunity to use the word “fisticuffs,” it could be a stellar international event. It’s about time our president lives up to the title: most powerful man in the free world. I’ve seen footage of Saddam without his shirt on and he has more than a few love handles. Maybe the rest of the Iraqis are living hand-to-mouth but Saddam looks like he’s put away some hams in his day.

We don’t have to resort to violence though; there are many options open to us that could challenge both parties. Obviously a spelling bee is out of the question but why not a dance-off? A dance competition tests your creativity, physical prowess and stamina. We live in the country where break dancing was invented, there’s no way Bush could lose. A panel of disinterested international judges could oversee the event. Although we’d have to exclude the British since Tony Blair jumped on the war wagon faster than you could say, “no longer a world power.”

Maybe it’s not the combatants but the motives that need to be addressed to avoid the waste of American and Iraqi lives. Bush wants Saddam to give up his weapons of mass destruction. But it’s rather hypocritical of America to have enough weapons to blow up the planet multiple times and demand other countries surrender theirs in the name of peace.

Therefore we must give up ours as well. The difference is that Iraq supports terrorists while the United States has never done that. The U.S. government has never used terror tactics – never in Nicaragua, never in Chile and definitely not against its own people.

If just by chance certain paranoid leftists are correct and the real reason behind the upcoming war is money, then paint me surprised.

But there’s another way for Bush to make all the money he wants. Oil is going to run out some day. There’s no financial future in fossil fuels. He could bet on himself in whatever competition he and Saddam get into and collect the winnings. I’m sure we could clean out other nations. Ticket sales alone would be able to fund at least a few minor wars in Asia.

But hey, I’m not trying to sound like somebody who knows what they’re talking about. I basically get all my information about the outside world from The Daily Show. I’m just like you and the guy sitting next to you who masturbates to animal porn – just an average Joe.

We are all misinformed because we’re busy with our own lives, apathetic and not a part of Bush’s inner circle. Unfortunately, this lack of awareness and ambition is what lets wars happen. I’m not about to do anything about it though. If I start voting, they’ll expect me to serve on jury duty next or obey traffic laws.

All I know is if reasonable heads don’t prevail, I’ll have to take on responsibility for world peace myself. If Bush doesn’t want to fight for America himself, then I’ll take on Saddam. Bare-knuckled, right now. Come on bitch, let’s get dirty. I may weigh less than most girls my age, but I’m scrappy.

Seth Steinbacher plays with dolls and he’s not afraid to admit it. Express your disgust at ssteinbacher@pittnews.com.