College is your last gasp for misbehaving

My alarm went off Monday morning and I was surprised to hear my roommate grumble, “Classes are… My alarm went off Monday morning and I was surprised to hear my roommate grumble, “Classes are canceled, go back to sleep.” Hell yes I went back to sleep. Later, around 2 p.m., I awoke again and tried to decide what to do with my day off. It was an excellent chance to study for my upcoming midterms or even get those listenings done for my history of jazz class. So within an hour, I was drunk thanks to my good friends at the Olde English malt liquor company and ready to make the most of the snow day.

And what a day it was. If you’ve never experienced underage drinking in the middle of the day, you’re missing out my friends. Do it now because the party is almost over. When you turn 21, you get about a month in which you can still get wasted and act irresponsibly. After that, you start to look like an ass-monkey.

Anyway, some of my less lazy friends and I spent the day tackling snowpeople, pushing stuck cars out of the snow and playing home-run derby on the deserted streets. I was outdoors most of the day and I haven’t had such a good time in months.

Now you’re saying, “Great, Seth Steinbacher drank a forty and played little kid games all day and he thinks he’s so cool he can write a column about it and expect people to waste their time reading it. Why do they put this trash in The Pitt News?”

From an outside perspective it may look like I wasted my time. But I seized the freaking day, didn’t I? To those of you who caught up on work and were productive I tip my hat. But what about those of you who spent all day with your PlayStation 2 or GameCube? You could have been out sledding with that special guy or girl you’d like to make nasty faces with someday. Or you could have kept warm inside, licking chocolate syrup off your significant other’s sweet naked body. Anything is possible on a snow day.

The time is now if we want to have the best experiences. College isn’t real life – it’s the limbo before reality. Sure we’re old enough to be prosecuted in adult courts, get drafted into the Army and have to deal with all kinds of greedy creatures trying to suck our money away. But we’re still young and sexy. Soon enough, we have to turn into adults and become scared and hypocritical, but right now lets take some chances.

Is there some foxy individual that sits next to you in class who you’re too scared to talk to? I suggest you do it; don’t worry about sounding cool, they’re probably wishing everyone wasn’t so quiet before class anyway. Want to take a class that has absolutely no value but looks cool? Take it and get your money’s worth. Remember, Pitt is raping you for tuition. There’s an event being put on by Black Action Society that you know will be fun but you’re scared because you are whiter than a Tiger Woods-endorsed golf ball? Go and have fun. Why would anyone want to kick your ass because you are different?

I realize this is easier said than done. It’s hard to work up the courage to do what you really want and say what you really mean. Plus, a lot of us have what could be considered handicaps. We may have big crooked noses or voices like Fran Drescher or chronic blandness. I myself battle on and off with being-a-giant-pussy syndrome. But the more you work at it and the harder you play, the easier it is to overcome anything.

Start simple and work your way up. I suggest listening to Sly and the Family Stone or some other form of funk music at least once a day. Try one thing each week that you wouldn’t normally do. Eventually you’ll start to realize the things you thought were so serious are only scary because someone said they should be. The next time the self-doubt monster shows its ugly face; slip a pinky up its ass.

Seth Steinbacher loves you. E-mail him at ssteinbacher@pittnews.com.