The real axis of evil: Mike Myers, the Germans and t.A.T.u.

We live in strange and troubled times; it’s tough to discern friend from foe, or distinguish… We live in strange and troubled times; it’s tough to discern friend from foe, or distinguish a spray of cologne in a crowded airport from a bioterrorism attack. Finding truth in the morass of terror alerts and officially sanctioned spin is like reading tea leaves to divine the future.

Thank God we have the media: It took me only 15 minutes on CNN.com’s entertainment Web page to find the real truth, a truth I will share with you now.

The German foundation Stiftung Lesen, which ostensibly promotes reading and use of the word “ostensibly,” has announced its plan to conceive, write and print an approximately 96-page book in 12 hours. Spokesman Christoph Shaefer explains, “Generally, people associate writing a book with years of brain-racking and reflection.” Let’s put that idea in the dustbin of history, say the Germans.

This is what they’re doing instead of invading Iraq in the name of peace.

More disturbing, though, is actor Mike Myers. In full Dr. Evil mode, he has distracted us with the threat of war in order to execute his masterstroke: digitally inserting himself into classic movies for comedic effect. Presumably this means bringing his “unique” brand of diarrhea humor to “Citizen Kane,” as Orson Welles originally intended. He will then harness the power of famous directors spinning in their graves to power his space-based death ray.

Two developments that would make a clown cry. Worse, though – what if the two are connected?

For years, America has pursued a strangely tolerant policy of containment regarding Myers – even supporting him in his war against Rob Schneider, considered the greater evil at the time. Despite his proven ability to strike American shores with dirty bombs like “Austin Powers 3,” launched from his Canadian stronghold, we’ve chosen the multilateral route in dealing with Myers, because soft-headed liberals believe you can reason with a madman whose only concern is his own box-office survival. Yet he continues to defy U.N. resolutions by releasing new movies on an innocent public. And let’s be honest: The inspections haven’t worked; he is hiding an audience somewhere.

The developments in Germany add a new wrinkle to the Myers showdown. If the Germans can crank out a 96-page book – enough pages to hold 10 times the good jokes in all three Austin Powers movies – in 12 hours, what’s to prevent them from giving this technology to Myers, allowing him to write a new movie every week? Of course, communists and ACLU members (I apologize for the redundancy) say there’s no real evidence that Germany sponsors Myers. But should we really wait for “evidence” when confronting this Axis of Brutally Efficient Mediocrity?

We must look to history in answering this question. Cast your mind back to the Hollywood Agreement of 1939, when Dana Carvey met with delegates from France and Britain, saying all he wanted was to make a single “Wayne’s World” movie. The world took him at his word, and was plunged into darkness. Like tumbling dominoes came “Wayne’s World 2 (WWII),” “Clean Slate” and “The Dana Carvey Show.” By the time he released “Master of Disguise,” Europe had been torn apart. The path of appeasement led us all to horror; had America acted earlier, dozens of people would have been saved hours of their lives. Let us not forget Santayana’s axiom: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

Some say we’ve allowed Myers to become a threat by tolerating the first Austin Powers. Maybe so, but we could not have known then what we know now. Better to preserve the future than lament the past.

Documents released under the archaic Freedom of Information Act suggest the government should have seen Austin Powers 2 coming, but failed to connect the dots in looking for the smoking gun. It appears the government wasn’t nearly as forward-looking or competent as we’d thought – another reason to trust they’ve got it right this time. And to those of you who complain your civil rights were suspended following the horrible policies enacted after “Austin Powers: Goldmember,” I reply, “Do you want another ‘So I Married An Axe Murderer’? Then be quiet, terrorist. Put this duct tape over your mouth. Yeah. Do your eyes and ears, too.”

If we do not act now, the future will be a digital remix of “Triumph of the Will,” with rotten-toothed Myers cavorting around in lederhosen and spouting one tired masturbation joke after another. The soundtrack will probably be by the Russian Axis of Divas, t.A.T.u., whose musical acumen arouses me in ways illegal in 49 states … but that’s another column.

Although I haven’t heard much about it lately, it seems clear we are headed to war with Iraq. As a voter and citizen, I have no right to question that. But even if I did have some sort of power over my president, I wouldn’t oppose the war, because – guess what? I don’t live in Iraq! Sucks to be you! I think it was Coolidge who said, “The business of America is entertainment,” and we haven’t had a good national fireworks show in a while, those missiles are piling up. I’ll make myself comfortable on the couch, with my Fox News hip flask and my mini American flag, watching the rocket’s red glare on the big screen.

But once that’s all said and done, once we’ve toppled Saddam Hussein – that lovable scamp whose penchant for mass-murder is matched only by his love of showtunes – let’s take care of things at home. I’m looking in the direction of Myers, Mariah Carey and whoever conceived “Joe Millionaire.” Let’s fix the future. For the children.

Jesse Hicks is available for parties. Contact him at jhicks@pittnews.com.