As the Olsen twins soon approach freshmanity

To our dismay, it looks like the Olsen twins won’t be coming to school here in Pittsburgh this… To our dismay, it looks like the Olsen twins won’t be coming to school here in Pittsburgh this coming fall.

Over the past week, the Internet has been overrun with bogus Web sites that announce the twins’ acceptance to various schools across the country. Students of Rochester Institute of Technology, University of Cincinnati, University of Miami, Penn State, Carnegie Mellon University, and Pitt, among many, have fallen for this hoax, which is possibly the funniest thing to happen. Ever.

The best part about these sites is that they guised themselves as CNN reports, claiming that the twins were heading to (insert college) to get away from the glitz of Hollywood and because (insert school)’s business program is quite reputable.

Admittedly, I bought it. Hell, it sounded true. It looked true. And, most importantly, it made for ridiculous amounts of male party humor. “Dude, If you don’t have sex with the Olsen twins next year when the come to (insert school), I’m gonna beat your ass!” is a statement that’s probably resonated at hundreds of college parties across the country during the last two weeks.

Perhaps the most fascinating thing about this hoop-la is the sexual fascination people seem to have with the Olsen twins. The way most college students today were introduced to the girls was through their portrayal of innocent toddler Michelle on the television show “Full House.” Since then, they’ve gone on to star in crappy kids movies and brand themselves onto everything from mugs to books to video games.

When you, or in this case I, search for “Olsen twins” at Yahoo.com, you’ll find links to various Olsen Twin sites. And amid the sea of fan-sites and ads for “Made for DVD” movies, a disturbingly hilarious Web site stands out: www.twintracker.com. This corner of cyberspace provides the legal age of consent in every U.S. state, as well as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s current age.

So to all you sick, twin-minor-sex-crazed junkies out there, your fantasies will have to remain unchallenged by reality. The Olsen Twins aren’t coming to your school.

And even if they were, do you really think they’d be doing keg stands and joining sorostitutes in their promiscuity? I doubt it.