Exhibitionism, long keg lines – must be Friday night in Oakland

Friday night rolled around and I decided it was high time yet again for me to go out and rub… Friday night rolled around and I decided it was high time yet again for me to go out and rub elbows with my fellow Pitt students in a keg line. My friends and I squeezed ourselves into one of the many jumpin’ Oakland firetraps and inched our way toward the beer. The process was a slow one but luckily, I had the foresight to get drunk before we got to the party and could take the time to mingle and really soak in my surroundings.

We had unknowingly stumbled into Skankra-la, a paradise of more thongs and cleavage than I’ve ever seen gathered in one place before. These ladies looked hungry and drunk. At some point before I lost myself in the passion of urban dance, I saw two girls make out.

Those moments, much like seeing the birth of a child or a falling star, really make you think. I’ve seen girls get drunk and kiss each other on just about every occasion I’ve ever been to where alcohol and females are present. But why does this happen? We can’t assume that every one of these girls was an out-and-proud lesbian.

I’ve asked female friends why they are always lip wrestling with other girls whenever they’re drinking. They all tell me it’s either because when they’re drunk they want to be all feely and touchy with each other, or because girls don’t have the severe homophobia guys do and men beg them to kiss each other.

Sure, these are viable reasons, but they just don’t fit into any kind of conspiracy theory I would need to make this column a success. Surely the boob must be some kind of weapon of mass destruction, or perhaps commie-lesbian-terrorists have somehow gotten control over the minds of our young women.

Or perhaps I’m getting carried away. If I were to look for a source for this exhibitionist trend, I would look no further than the E! network. You know what I’m talking about – the channel that is smuttier than USA and looks classier than Fox. They started the whole “Girls Gone Wild” thing and now girls aren’t just getting wild on spring break or in Snoop Dogg’s crib. They’re flashing their breasts at Labor Day picnics, school field trips and book burnings. Perfectly attractive women are getting naked for Howard Stern on a nightly basis … Howard Stern! He’s the ugliest bastard ever.

If Seth Steinbacher wants a lady to take her clothes off and yield herself to his expert scrutiny he has to pay good money for it. But not Howard Stern, oh no, chicks strip down for him and he gets to humiliate them too! With this kind of example being sent onto the television screens of millions of young American women, it’s no wonder I can’t swing a dead possum without hitting two heterosexual drunk girls sucking face.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to take a puritanical stance on this issue. I’m no Cotton Mather. If two girls would like to let their lips engage in a sensual dance while their hands wander to places they would never go sober, then so be it. College is a time for experimentation. I experimented with Ecstasy once and I ended up making out with a drifter named Potato Dan. It sounds weird, but I rank that experience as one of the most intimate moments of my life. So hey ladies, kiss away. I’ll watch. We all will!

My problem is that girl-on-girl action feels cheaper when it’s done for the spectator’s benefit. There’s no genuine desire in it, no art. If your boyfriend or your parents don’t pay enough attention to you, the applause of drunken males is not a sufficient substitute.

Sure, going to parties, drinking until you lose your inhibitions, and smooching other ladies will win you the admiration of the partying public. But it’s an empty ego-boost. No one will recognize you on the streets and say, “Hey! Wow, I’m a huge fan. I loved what you did with the slutty brunette chick at that party on Dithridge the other night.”

So ladies, if the next time you’re chugging some watered-down beer and just can’t resist the urge to make out with your female friends, go for it. However, if you’re just lacking attention, you can always get naked on the Howard Stern Show. More people will see you and there is probably free catering.

Seth Steinbacher is a columnist for The Pitt News.