McDonald’s not to blame for fat teens

On Wednesday, U.S. District Judge Robert Sweet threw out a class-action suit against… On Wednesday, U.S. District Judge Robert Sweet threw out a class-action suit against McDonald’s for unspecified damages filed on behalf of obese teen-agers in the New York City area.

Samuel Hirsch, the attorney who originally filed the case on behalf of an obese janitor in New York, was representing the kids. He says he plans to refile in about a month.

A Big Mac has 590 calories and 34 grams of fat. A large order of McDonald’s french fries packs 540 calories and 26 grams of fat. For the last 30 years, McDonald’s has posted this information prominently in every restaurant.

Sweet said, “It is not the place of the law to protect [people] from their own excesses.”

Well said, judge.

By the time a kid is buying his own lunch, he should at least be able to distinguish junk food from health food. As for the claim that McDonald’s targets children, when is the last time a 5-year-old bought his own Happy Meal?

Fat is not the new tobacco. Thankfully, the judge realized this and refused to provide litigation-happy malcontents one more place to lay the blame.

If Sweet had even heard the case, it would’ve set a dangerous precedent for other specious claims to hit dockets across the nation. Here are a few possible defendants:

The creators of Snood

This highly addictive computer game has sucked away countless hours of study time from college students across the nation, resulting in poor grades and less groundbreaking research.

Al Gore

Hey, he did invent the Internet. Without the Internet, there would be no instant messaging, no hours wasted checking away messages, no vacuous conversations consisting mainly of emoticons. A lot more could get done without that pesky ‘net.

Pabst Ice

This frosty and economical brew is responsible for countless instances of public intoxication, regrettable late-night phone calls and unexplained bruises. By being so inexpensive, the makers of this concoction clearly target college students – the young and poor.

Obviously, the case against McDonald’s is primarily about greed. If anyone truly had these obese teens’ best interests at heart, they would devote energy to teaching them about vegetables and exercise, not blaming others for their problems.

Besides, if they won, who’s to say their settlements wouldn’t be paid out in the form of McDonald’s gift certificates?