Another exciting semester at Pitt

At the end of last semester, The Pitt News made several predictions as to what events would… At the end of last semester, The Pitt News made several predictions as to what events would take place over the break. After watching a fair number of them come true, we decided to follow up and keep the ball rolling. And so – in case you were wondering – here’s what you can expect for this semester.

Where we’re going stems from where we are stems from where we’ve come from. Recently, in accordance with our predictions, Pitt rocked Oregon State in the Insight Bowl, Steve Pederson jumped ship for Nebraska, Penn State validated its inferiority in a loss to Auburn, Pitt began overselling basketball games, and the beer and cheese in your refrigerator – though they are no longer good – are certainly still good enough.

Sodexho’s one-cent wage hike, Carnegie Mellon’s conversion to UPMCCMU, the construction of super biomedical towers and Pitt’s attempt to avoid lawsuits by trying to make all gay faculty members straight are still pending.

In the coming weeks, we predict more exciting events on the horizon. Chancellor Nordenberg, who is now one of the highest paid chancellors in the country, will receive a $2,500 bonus to assist in managing his $5,000 bonus that will assist in managing his $75,000 bonus. Cumpie’s, which took a sabbatical from the world of alcohol to enjoy a brief stint as a fruit stand, will put the strawberries back where they belong – in daiquiris.

The Pitt police, after a group viewing of Steven Spielberg’s critically acclaimed “Minority Report,” will begin arresting students for thinking about drinking. Graduation ceremonies, which have taken place at Mellon Arena in recent years, will commence at Mellon Arena again, because the Petersen Events Center is not quite ready.

The U.S. Postal Service will finally begin charging $5 per stamp.

And, in all seriousness, the Pitt basketball team will cruise through March Madness to capture the NCAA championship.

Despite the University’s shortcomings, Pitt is having a great year. The school continues to make advancements in academics, quality of students and campus developments, and it is one of only seven schools to have both football and basketball teams in the top 25.

With these points in mind, enjoy another dull-moment-free semester in Oakland.