Auctioning off Pitt’s newsmakers

Last night, the William Pitt Union hosted a date auction sponsored by the College Democrats,… Last night, the William Pitt Union hosted a date auction sponsored by the College Democrats, attracting potential bidders with a list of Pitt student celebrities. The auction, which dismissed once and for all the aged notion that money can’t buy love, allowed for a pleasant atmosphere and forwarded proceeds to the Children’s Hospital. In the spirit of purchasing people for a good cause, The Pitt News has chosen five local newsmakers who are deserving of an evening out – for the right price.

Steve Pederson: After Nebraska lost its athletics director this week, there was immediate speculation that Steve Pederson would be a prime candidate for the position. Pederson graduated from Nebraska in 1980 and later served there as associate athletics director before coming to Pitt. If granted a date with Pederson, we would happily treat him to a Pitt basketball game to convince him to stay. We’d have to leave directly from the auction to get in line, and seats wouldn’t be available when we got there, but we are still willing to drop $20 – the price of season tickets that may or may not work – to give the evening a shot.

Pitt football fans: After witnessing a rather embarrassing display of homophobia at last weekend’s Pitt-West Virginia game, we are anxious to spend an evening with one fan in particular, who was photographed holding a sign that stated “Go Home MountainQueers.” A Rainbow Alliance meeting was the initial destination, but after further consideration, we’ve decided to take him back to conception so he can start his stupid life over again. Several bids were tossed around, but in the end, you just can’t put a price on ignorance.

Mark Nordenberg: Our beloved chancellor would certainly be a hot ticket at an event like this. We’d pay up to $342,500 – his annual salary – for a chance to take him out on the streets of Oakland. He might enjoy an evening on the hill, spending some quality time with the frats. He’s a cultured man, and he would surely appreciate a chance to see things he doesn’t get to see often – the student body, for instance.

Noose kid: The mystery lad or lass who decided to place a makeshift noose on professor Stefan Wheelock’s desk is deserving some time in Allegheny County Jail. We would bid at least $10,000 for this individual’s Crimestoppers fee, and personally escort him or her to one of the facility’s lovely, romantic suites.

Jack Daniel: Pitt’s vice provost for undergraduate studies and dean of students is worthy of a $900 bid – $100 for each word in his title. Possible outings include an evening with former Student Affairs employees who had dedicated their livelihoods to Pitt students up until this summer. After they pull him aside for a little quality time, we’ll just replace him with a bottle of the same name and call it a night.

At the auction’s conclusion, The Pitt News will have raised $353,420, which will be donated to the University to help prevent tuition hikes for the next 35 minutes.