Weekend fun N games down at Relax N Wash

The hottest nightspot in Oakland is open all night, every night, is open to all ages and you… The hottest nightspot in Oakland is open all night, every night, is open to all ages and you get to see hot lingerie. Admission is free but you’re bound to drop some cash. I was there this Saturday and it knocked my socks off. Not surprisingly, I’m a regular.

It’s the Laundromat, you pervs! Relax N Wash, to be precise. I adore this place to an almost unhealthy degree. Relax N Wash isn’t the closest ‘mat to my place, but it’s worth the few extra blocks of lugging my nifty nylon laundry sack. It’s a Mecca of clean efficiency, a nice respite from the chaos of my everyday life.

Prime time is Sunday afternoons and evenings but even then, you aren’t likely to wait for a machine. If you don’t care if your socks come out pink and can’t be bothered to sort out your colors, or if you just hardly ever do laundry in the first place, they have giant capacity washers available so you can get through the whole mess in one go. They have a fabulous system where you don’t have to mess about with quarters-you just put money on a swipey-card and you buy dryer time in 10-minute increments so your clothes always actually end up dry.

There are a bunch of giant televisions and Megatouch game machines. They have an arcade, a kiddie section with Disney videos, lots of vending machines, Internet access and a smoking room. With all this luxury, who needs clubs and bars?

The ‘mat is also a fantastic place for people-watching. Laundry is a great equalizer – it’s hard to put on airs when your Sponge Bob boxers are right there for everyone to see. Last time I was there, every male in the place paid rapt attention as this gorgeous blonde chick carefully folded about a dozen pairs of really sexy panties. I can’t tell if she didn’t notice or was doing it on purpose, but she never acknowledged her admirers.

An ardent eavesdropper, I’ve heard some doozies at the ‘mat. I heard a woman confiding to her friend how she had to hurry up and get home with the clean sheets before her husband came home and found the evidence of her escapades that afternoon.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they approach the task of laundry. Schlubby people like me just sort of toss everything into one big mass and hope it comes out all right. I’ve never used fabric softener and dryer sheets kind of mystify me. Laundry schlubs are likely to bring their clothes in garbage bags and detergent in empty pop bottles.

Then there are the snazzsters, the laundry connoisseurs. They have nice small canvas bags – small because they don’t allow their laundry to pile up the way schlubs do. They bring an array of floral-scented laundry potions and certain select items will never see anything as vulgar as the inside of a dryer. They believe in something called a “delicate cycle” and they know the ideal temperatures at which different fabrics should be washed. They also fold (!) their duds before they leave, indicating that they actually plan to put their stuff away neatly when they get home. These are the people most likely to be studying or reading quietly.

Laundry can be a fun social outing. A friend of mine recently moved out of an apartment with washers and dryers in the building. He got me – the girl who waxes poetic about Relax N Wash – to hold his hand and walk him through the complex and mystifying process of purchasing an EasyCard from a vending machine. Lately when he calls me it’s most likely to be an inquiry about hitting up the ‘mat.

If you live on campus, quit wasting your time and quarters on those busted-down money-eaters they have in dorms. Come to Relax N Wash and you just might get to see what a columnist’s underwear looks like.

Melissa Meinzer wants to give a special sock-folding shout-out to the guy who laughed at her jumping out of her skin watching Halloween 4 at the ‘mat on Saturday, and to the two girls who yelled to her from the car on Atwood Street when she was haulin’ her clean clothes home. She can be reached at mmeinzer@pittnews.com.