Simple steps toward Homecoming success

Homecoming weekend will commence in only one week. Preparations for the festivities are… Homecoming weekend will commence in only one week. Preparations for the festivities are already underway, and the campus is littered with fliers promoting potential kings and queens. In an effort to promote the spirit, The Pitt News offers a few words of helpful advice to those hoping to rule the University, if only for a few days.

Men: Don’t bother running if you are in a fraternity. Past years have proven Pitt students don’t respect a candidate if he spent his freshman year getting coffee for the brothers, being naked often and drinking entire bottles of mustard on command.

Ladies: When hanging up campaign posters – or making the pledges do it – keep in mind that a photo is optional but by no means necessary. It may be more beneficial to omit the sexy portraits and use that space to list goals you plan to pursue upon election. Homecoming queen is a position laden with many daunting responsibilities, and these people are voting on the issues.

All candidates, regardless of gender, can expect to boost their public approval ratings by distributing gifts in and around the Ashtray. Lollipops and clever doctored photos have worked in the past, but you’ll have to step it up if you want a shot at that crown. Hand out beer. Samples of IC Light would show voters that not only are you beaming with local pride, but you care about your figure as well. You might end up doing some jail time when the high school kids start sneaking through, but rock star martyrdom like that fuels publicity that money can’t buy.

Supposing you take the safe route and decide to dish out candy and personalized pogs, you’ll have to consider the resulting congestion. Popular campaigning areas get very crowded very quickly, so be absolutely certain to obstruct passersby as much as possible. Some of them may act like they aren’t interested, so you’ll have to make it clear just how much you want their votes. The students are constantly watching, and they want a candidate with dedication – the kind of dedication that will secure a vote, even if it must be tackled in the bus lane on Fifth Avenue.

But running for public office isn’t for everyone. There are some readers out there who would rather support someone else than run themselves. For them, there is The Pitt News. It’s running as an entity, and it’s the perfect candidate – well-read, controversial and willing to put out five times a week.