How to vote: a Homecoming primer

Can you feel it?

There’s a spark of electricity in the air, a crackle of anticipation…. Can you feel it?

There’s a spark of electricity in the air, a crackle of anticipation. Colors seem brighter, as though the world were preparing itself for a great unveiling. On the Cathedral lawn, students are swooning from the excitement of it all.

It’s Homecoming time.

Many of us have been waiting for this all year. We’ve gossiped with our friends about who we want to win. We’ve marked off the days on our Homecoming 2002 Countdown Calendar. We’ve printed out Homecoming Court Trading Card and acted in Homecoming-themed skits. Don’t pretend I’m the only one.

But some people – freshmen and socially retarded upperclassmen mostly – haven’t yet experienced a Pitt Homecoming and don’t know how they can participate. For them I now present this guide to the process.

The most important step is getting to know the candidates. As I once wrote, just now, in this column, “A well-informed constituency is the bedrock of democracy.” Truer words were never written by me today.

On such a large campus, it’s hard to know every person who’s vying for your vote. That’s why the Pitt system has moved to a largely poster-based system. This makes your job that much easier. Unless you don’t have eyes. You do have eyes, don’t you? Good. Bring those along.

The first thing to examine in a poster is the candidate picture: Is this man and/or or woman hot? If yes, you may proceed.

Some readers might be wondering why attractiveness is such an important criteria. Why not vote for those most qualified to lead us, crown first, into a better tomorrow?

To them I say, “ha ha ha.” Oh, child. I admire and pity your naivety, but I must break it to you: There is no Santa Claus. If you’re looking for “qualified” leaders, maybe you should try Candyland, because last time I checked the name of this country was still spelled A-M-E-R-I-C-A. Two A’s! And they both stand for “attractive.”

Sometimes it’s hard to trust your own judgment of hotness. A good follow-up question to ask: Would this person acknowledge my existence at a party? If yes, they are probably not Homecoming material. Remember, court members are different from you and me: They are pretty burritos with a secret filling of greatness. That is a filling we will never contain and must be content to worship from afar.

OK, but they’re all so attractive! How do you choose? Here’s a tip, just between us – look for slogans that rhyme. No rhyming? How about a clever play on words or stack of kegs in the background? These are the important details an experienced voter will pick up on.

Now that you’ve got an early pick, it’s time to find out how everyone else is voting. You may want to follow their lead. Voting for a Homecoming loser is like supporting Libertarians or being a vegan – the devotion to principle is admirable, but ultimately you’re throwing your life away. So talk to your friends. Even if they’re only imaginary, they’ll offer plenty of advice.

As you approach the voting area, you will probably feel faint, light-headed, and maybe a little woozy. That’s what democracy feels like! Shake it off, slugger. You’ve still got one more gauntlet to run: Lollipop Alley.

Blow-Pops or Dum-Dums? I can’t tell you. This is one decision you must make for yourself. The power is yours. Rock the vote.

Jesse Hicks votes with a vengeance. E-mail your correspondence to jhicks@pittnews.com.