‘Pennsylvanian Idol’: episode one

Announcer: Welcome to “Pennsylvanian Idol,” the show that pits gubernatorial candidates… Announcer: Welcome to “Pennsylvanian Idol,” the show that pits gubernatorial candidates against each other and lets you pick the winner. And here’s your host, Bob Sylvania.

Bob: Thank you, thank you. Much too kind. Welcome to “Pennsylvanian Idol,” everybody, the show where you’ll see performances that will warm your guts and harden your hearts. Plus, you’ll get to see backstage and hear all of the backstabbing and bickering. All this and more after these messages.

(First commercial break)

First commercial: Mike Fisher is sitting at a table in someone’s kitchen. He’s wearing a blue shirt, unbuttoned at the collar. After a moment, he stares at the camera and says, “I believe in Pennsylvania, but Ed Rendell just wants to raise taxes. Harrumph.” Shot of a 2-year-old trying to get water from the tap. Shot of Fisher guffawing. Fade to black.

Next commercial: We see Ed Rendell sitting at a table in a kitchen that looks like Fisher’s only “more Pennsylvanian like.” After a moment he turns to the camera and says, “Nuh-huh.”

Fade in to “P.I.” set.

Bob: Welcome back. Let’s meet the candidates. Representing the Republican Party is Mike Fisher; from the Democrats, Ed Rendell, over there is Mike Morrill and that guy is Ken K… Krach-something.

Shot of Bob pressing his earpiece in concentration.

Bob: Well it appears those last two candidates have violated the … name rule … that stipulates that … nominees first and last names can’t start with the same letter. Sorry.

The two third party candidates try to speak, but find their microphones have been turned off. Wild dingos chase them off the stage.

Bob: Ha. That’s great, we’ll be right back after this commercial break.

(Second commercial break)

First commercial: Fisher is sitting on a playground with a sandwich in front of him. In mid-thought, he says, “And I’d take a Primanti’s sandwich over a Philly cheesesteak any day.

Next commercial: Black and white images of cole slaw and french fries. An announcer says, “Mike Fisher thinks that Pennsylvania should only have one choice.” Image explodes. We see Rendell on a more American playground. He says, “I don’t think we should have to choose, that’s why my new slogan is ‘Hoagies and Pierogies: Rendell for governor.'”

Fade in to “P.I.” We see Krach-something and Morrill standing at the edge of the stage and Bob firing at them wildly with a shotgun. Shot of audience member trying to swallow his fist. Quick fade to black.

(Third commercial break)

First commercial: A black and white shot of Rendell saying, “Back me up against the wall and I think we’re gonna havta raise some taxes.”

Shot of Fisher surrounded by babies, seniors and free prescription drugs. Shot of a classroom where everyone is dressed in red, white and blue. Shot of Rendell’s photo in Satan’s wallet. A cartoon image of Rendell wreaking havoc. The first 20 minutes of “Saving Private Ryan.” A bleak landscape. Shot of Fisher’s face superimposed on Keanu Reeve’s body. Fisher says, “Rendell wants zero jobs.”

An announcer says, “This November, Pennsylvania has a choice. Paid for by Fisher for Governor.”

Next commercial: Shot of good Rendell watching evil Rendell in a Fisher commercial. Good Rendell stands up and tears off his shirt to show the Pennsylvanian flag emblazoned on his chest hairs. “You’ve seen the negative ads,” he says, “now here’s the facts about a world run by Mike Fisher.”

Shot of old people in blocks of ice with no coats on. Shot of child eating gruel. Shot of Fisher’s fake cabbie snorting cocaine off a stripper’s belly. Shot of Fisher eating Philadelphia cream cheese. Black and white shot of a television exploding. Shot of a baby eating raw beef off of a spit. Shot of David Lynch looking confused. Shot of Rendell glistening in the sun.

“Fisher wants negative zero jobs,” he says. “‘Nuff said.”

Fade to black.

Back at the show, we see that the crowd has left. Bob has fashioned nun-chucks out of two microphones and stands in the corner viciously beating Morrill and Krach-something. In the hysteria, Fisher farts.

Rendell: Was that a campaign promise I heard?

Bob: Sounded like mudslinging to me.

The nonexistent crowd goes crazy over the span of five commercial breaks. A college student changes the channel.

Eric Lidji is the managing editor of The Pitt News and asks everyone to find the actual statements in this column. He can be reached at eric@pittnews.com.