Treat cold weather depression with sex – lots of it

Winter is coming; have more sex.

Though these three letters buzz around most students’ heads… Winter is coming; have more sex.

Though these three letters buzz around most students’ heads like persistent houseflies, the coming winter makes sex more important than it was during the balmy summer months.

Winters in Pittsburgh tend to be bleak things, alternating between blustery and soggy weather depending whether wind or rain prevails. People’s faces adopt a resigned slackness – a worn-looking apathy – the kind that comes from too many nightshifts working a tollbooth on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Sex produces endorphins – the human brain’s signal for happiness, excitement and other warm fuzzy feelings. These hormones contribute to being stupidly cheerful despite the near constant cloud cover, gray and swollen with rain that glowers over the city.

Therefore, with the months of 33 degrees-and-a-chance-of-slush days fast approaching, Pitt students need to start having sex and lots of it. Imagine a student population that’s bright, attentive and generally doesn’t threaten massive head injury to anyone who accidentally bumps into them. Picture students waking up happy to be on this planet, in spite of the cold, the rain and the sludge covering the streets.

Now I’m not advocating that people should run out and get pregnant, disease-filled or otherwise hurt. Safe sex should involve condoms, birth control and knowing the other person’s last name.

Being a responsible citizen means getting your endorphins on in a responsible manner. If you can’t have socially responsible sex with others, have it with yourself.

But remember that your sex-induced happiness contributes to a more pleasant society. Think of it as community service, but without all those adopt-a-highway or telethon associations.

Other sources of endorphins do exist. Exercise, proper eating and something I like to call Yuengling therapy can all be part of the five-month – November through March – plan. The latter of these can actually be a depressant, so avoid drinking alone – when in doubt, call someone. You’re not alone if you’re drinking while having a phone conversation – or if it’s between 8 and 10 a.m.

Getting enough light can also make winter less about moping and more about sledding on the Cathedral lawn on Schenley Cafe trays.

Seasonal affective disorder, a condition that leads to depression, insomnia, mood changes and a general lack of liveliness that stems from disrupted circadian rhythms, hits many during this season. Exposure to light, especially if it contains the full spectrum as sunlight does, seems to alleviate many of these symptoms.

Putting a full spectrum bulb, the kind sold at plant nurseries, in your desk lamp is hokey, but your body will thank you for it. My body, for instance, sends me greeting cards and stickers shaped like kittens.

Winter is coming, unavoidably, with its eternal dampness, biting winds and clouds the color of fading whitewash. It won’t come on tiptoe or little cat’s feet, but like a herd of deranged yaks, it will storm Pittsburgh. All we can do is wrap ourselves in flannel, hunker down with our loved ones and have sex in front of full spectrum light bulbs.

Columnist Sydney Bergman likes doing independent research for her columns. She can be reached at sbergman@pittnews.com.