Nuisances of the freshman mind: 10 rules to live by

Now you, too, can take a glimpse inside the mind of a freshman, with my popular manual, “What… Now you, too, can take a glimpse inside the mind of a freshman, with my popular manual, “What Freshman Are Thinking.”

In my single days, I studied freshmen extensively, and I’ll reluctantly admit that I was once a freshman too. Now, with a younger brother in school here, I’m one of only a few experts in the field.

I do hope you’ll enjoy my handy guide to the frosh mind. It’s perfect for the junior remembering the good ol’ days, the senior reminiscing about easier, stress free times, or even the freshman who hopes to know him or herself better. It’s pretty much useless for sophomores.

I present to you the nuances of the freshman mind: ten rules freshmen live by.

Rule No. 1: Always look right when crossing Fifth Avenue. Traffic only moves in one direction, and if no cars are coming, you can step into the bus lane.

To that end, all crossing of streets should be conducted incorrectly — either waiting to cross when no cars are coming or bolting into the street when a fire engine is screaming by.

Rule No. 2: The fire engine you step in front of is on its way to a false fire alarm in Tower B. This is because another freshman knew that it would be not only funny, but also creative to activate a fire alarm before going to class. And upon returning from class.

It’s important to remember that fires in dormitories never happen. Thus, it won’t be dangerous to condition other students into believing that all fire alarms are false alarms.

Rule No. 3: Drinking alcohol in your dorm room is a great idea. Why go to a party in South Oakland when you can drink right under your resident assistant’s nose?

Furthermore, you can’t smell weed down the hall from where it’s being smoked. If you blow smoke into an empty toilet paper roll filled with dryer sheets, the smell actually disappears. The 50 people living within 50 feet of you can’t smell it at all, and won’t call the police.

Rule No. 4: Apathy is cool.

Rule No. 5: Your notion that Food Services is ripping you off with its block system is unique. No one thought of it before now, and if you bring the ridiculousness of this school-sponsored monopoly to someone’s attention, it will change.

And in case it doesn’t change, there’s yet another solution. Since you have 18 blocks left at the end of the week, spending $30 on a couple bottles of water basically eliminates the problem. Keep the same meal plan next semester.

Rule No. 6: Always wear a lanyard around your neck. You can attach both your key and your ID to this lanyard, and will not be singled out as a freshman for wearing it.

When you travel, travel in packs of at least six. Pitt students don’t walk anywhere unless there are at least five people around them. This is particularly important late at night after attending drunken parties, so that police officers can identify your pack by its size and visible inability to handle the consumption of alcohol.

Rule No. 7: Because three of your classes are large lectures where attendance isn’t taken, you can avoid going to class for the duration of the semester. There will be no tests to gauge your absorption of the material, and you will not fail out of school.

But even if there are tests, college is free. Even if you do fail one or two classes this semester, you can always retake them next semester. Learning is utterly unimportant.

Rule No. 8: You’ll learn a great deal of practical, applicable knowledge from your freshman studies class.

Rule No. 9: You can experience all that a city has to offer without leaving Oakland. There’s plenty of theater and arts here, and traveling Downtown would mean learning about public transportation and going somewhere new.

In fact, Downtown Pittsburgh should be avoided at all costs. You could be attacked there, and even if you’re spared, you will never find your way out of the Bermuda Triangle better known as Point State Park. Let me be clear: If you choose a cultural experience Downtown over a South Oakland party this Friday, you will probably die.

Rule No. 10: Eat cheese fries while drunk, get blitzed eight times a week, sleep with people you’ve never met, and skip 80 percent of your classes; you’ll look and feel great.

And if you’re like me, you can try to extend your freshmanity well into your junior year here. But then, it might get old.

Dave Hartman is the editor in chief of The Pitt News, and he’s been there before. Freshmen offended about being stereotyped should consider this column more autobiographical than preachy, or can e-mail him at editor@pittnews.com.