Casual Fridays 9/12/14

Human race comes to an end

In Rochester, N.H., the human race has officially come to an end. The race for state representative, that is. As it turns out, incumbent Democratic state Rep. Rose Marie Rogers defeated her opponent on Tuesday, a man named “human” — spelled with a lowercase “H” — by a count of 181-30. The challenger, formally David Montenegro, legally changed his name to human in 2012. All reports indicate that the human race plans to rebuild.

 Rude Awakening

Gina Briggs, 26, was arrested in Ormond Beach, Fla., on Monday for pulling a pistol on a landscaper. Why? Turns out the landscaper’s yard work was too noisy. According to the victim, Carlos Repicio, Briggs threatened to shoot him for disturbing her sleep. Luckily for Repicio, she forgot to load the gun, and he didn’t have to find out whether the grass was truly greener on the other side.

 Humans vs. Zombies

Police in Coos Bay, Ore., have arrested a woman for playing “the zombie game.” At least, that’s what she said she was doing. Really, she was arrested for assault and home invasion. Jessica Rocha allegedly broke into a woman’s home, pushed her down the stairs, pulled her hair and bit her on the face. She then told her victim it was all part of “the zombie game.” Thankfully, medical officials say they have come up with a cure for the zombie outbreak: stop smoking bath salts.

 Squirrelspotting

 In Syktyvkar, Russia, three students were seen chasing down a squirrel. The students were stopped by a passerby, who allegedly told them to leave the poor squirrel alone. The passerby, a former police officer, then noticed a small, red bundle in the squirrel’s mouth. It turns out the students were chasing the squirrel down because it stole their drug stash. Unfortunately, “We couldn’t catch it, so we will never know where the packet will go and where it came from,” the former officer said. In other news, the DEA has alleged that Sandy Cheeks wasn’t just breathing oxygen through her scuba suit.

 Gone in 60 minutes

A woman in Fruitport Township, Mich., has been arrested for shoplifting from a local Walmart. Shirley Mason took $600 worth of clothing and attempted to make her getaway in a motorized wheelchair shopping cart because she “didn’t feel like walking.” Thankfully, the police nabbed her after the slow and inglorious cart-chase.