April Fools: Incoming Chancellor Gallagher to ‘G up’ campus facilities

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical story.

Pitt students who are familiar with studying at Hillman Library, watching sporting events at Nordy’s Place in the William Pitt Union and even living in Litchfield Towers will have to prepare themselves for some major changes in the upcoming months.

As part of his five-point “G-Plan,” Chancellor-elect Patrick Gallagher will be renaming multiple buildings on campus to reflect his ascension to the leadership post. The details of the other four parts of his plan will be unveiled at a later date. 

 “I just want to change it all,” Gallagher said at a recent press conference. “I want to let it be known that there’s a new person in town and he’s here to stay.”

The “Gallagherizing,” as he called it, of Pitt’s Oakland campus will involve not only the changing of the names of multiple buildings, but also the implementation of tiny ‘G’s placed all over campus.

As part of this plan, Nordy’s will be changed to Gally’s, Towers A, B and C will be renamed “Towers G,” and Hillman Library will be rebranded as Gallagher Library.

While some students on campus have questioned the reasoning behind these decisions, they have not questioned his authority.

“I think it costs a lot of money to do all of this, but I mean, he can do whatever he wants, right? Doesn’t he have immunity or something?” Laura Palmer, an underwater basket-weaving major, said.

Other students didn’t seem to care about the announced changes.

“All I need to do is study for a calculus test in the library. Do you think I’m going to care if I’m studying in the Gallagher or the Hillman? Of course not,” Mark Jones, a junior physics major, said.

The transformation of Nordy’s Place into Gally’s Place will be the first of Gallagher’s many changes.

“There’s going to be a big sign and we are rebranding all of our paraphernalia. It’s going to be awesome. ‘G’s everywhere!” Pitt spokesman John Fedele said.

While some students were happy about the changes coming to campus, others were less than thrilled.

“You just can’t keep changing and changing it. What are you going to do next, change the name of the school?” Francis Chase, a freshman bioengineering major, said.

Changing the name of the school is, in fact, among Gallagher’s long-term plans for the University. 

“It’s all in line,” Gallagher said. “We just need some randos who work here to sign some papers and it’ll be official.”  

Josh Triste, a sophomore communications major, expressed his disappointment with the incoming administrator’s plans.

“There was just so much promise,” Triste said. “There are so many important things to be done on campus, like providing gourmet food at Market Central, canceling all Monday classes and legalizing jaywalking on Forbes. Especially legalizing the jaywalking.”

Triste is not alone in his sentiments. 

A recently formed student organization called Students for a Better Pitt have listed many of Triste’s visions for Pitt as some of the key things they hope Gallagher will address within the first year of his appointment. 

“Running out of soft-serve ice cream at Market is up there, too,” Molly Chacona, the president of the club and a junior electrical engineering major, said. “If we’ve got the money to get all of this done, then we should pursue it. It’s not like we’ve just gotten out of a recession or anything.” 

Although Gallagher declined to go into detail regarding the other four parts of the “G-Plan,” he did say that male students will be required to cut their hair in a similar fashion to his own. 

“I’m the chancellor of the University, for god’s sake. Why shouldn’t the young men who go here look just like me?” Gallagher said. “Students should reach for the stars. I am those stars.”

Gallagher will officially embark on the implementation of his plans at the start of the 2014-2015 school year, and the University will respond with events accordingly.

“We’ll be holding a celebration in Gally’s Place to kick off the G-Plan,” Fedele said. “By then, there will be no question who the new chancellor is. But just in case, students will be inundated by Campus Connect emails and ENS alerts to let them know who is in charge.”

With all the planned changes for Pitt, some students, including junior accounting major Tim Jansen, just want certain things to stay the same.

“I’m fine with it, as long as they don’t get rid of those secret slushies in Nordy’s. Or Gally’s. Whatever. As long as I get some slush, I am fine with some ‘G’s,” Johnson said.