April Fools: Posvar Hall escalators repaired, new floors discovered

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical story.

Since the building’s opening in 1978, Posvar Hall has been one of, if not the biggest, building on Pitt’s campus. And accompanying this title of sorts were generations of Pitt students asking, “What is that building used for?”

This week, the building’s purpose became slightly less mysterious.

After what seemed like decades, the building’s endless set of escalators finally began to work. What shocked Pitt students even more was that the escalators led to an entirely untouched part of Posvar Hall, leading them to believe that the building served a larger purpose than just to house Einstein Bros Bagels.

After several hours of searching, the building’s custodial staff confirmed the discovery of a fourth and fifth floor in the building. 

These discoveries were spurred from the sudden activation of the building’s escalators, almost as if someone had flipped a switch. The escalators’ inactivity is believed to have been the main deterrent that kept someone from making this finding earlier. When presented with the daunting task of having to actually walk up several flights of stairs, many an explorer opted to wait for the escalators to start working again — something that did not happen until this week.

Mitch Hedberg, a stand-up comedian and a self-proclaimed escalator aficionado, attested that this was a pretty poor excuse. 

“An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs,” Hedberg said. “You would never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.’”

One freshman at Pitt commented on the mystery surrounding the building. The student preferred to remain anonymous in an attempt to avoid garnering too much unwanted attention, considering the gravity of the issue. “I’m not really sure which building you’re talking about,” the student said. “You must mean Benedum. That’s the one with the Einsteins.”

Doubting the validity of these discoveries, Chancellor Mark Nordenberg has proved to be a thorn in the side of former nonbelievers. Nordenberg has stubbornly argued throughout the process that despite recent reports, Posvar Hall’s top floors have housed several Pitt departments for years, including the schools of psychology, political science and education.

These objections have themselves been refuted. The successful custodial crew credited with the discovery said in an official statement that it “looked like no one had been there in ages,” leading to further speculation as to whether the building is older than its suspected 36 years.

This is not the first time the chancellor has tangled with Posvar and its uncooperative escalators. In years past, the amount of complaints about the escalators grew so high that the problem was brought before Nordenberg. It quickly became the marquee issue for the University, generating a lot of concern from both alumni and the University community.

When asked about the escalators, Nordenberg replied harshly, “Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.”

Despite all of the controversy surrounding the issue, the University is now beginning to focus its attention on the future use of the building. One senior official at the University had auspicious hopes of turning the top floors into a museum, which, along with Forbes Field’s home plate, would add to the building’s allure. 

“We will not be turning a University building that is currently in use into a museum,” Nordenberg, clearly showing frustration and an unwillingness to concede, said. “This will not be my legacy.”