April Fools: Four more Board members too cool for school’s student government

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical story.

Four more are out the door — Student Government Board members tried to save face last night by jumping ship on a sinking SGB legacy.

Board members Abby Zurschmit, Sara Klein, Graeme Meyer and Mona Kazour announced their resignations Monday night after they called an emergency public meeting that no members of the student body attended. This newest string represents the third slew of Board resignations in three months, and only President Mike Nites and Board member Andrew Abboud remain to, quite literally, man SGB.

The resigning Board members said they agreed SGB was too political and focused too much time on the Allocations process. In a joint statement, the Board members announced that their primary reason for bowing out, however, boiled down to the fact that “SGB is just flat-out not a cool thing to do anymore. Deuces.”

Kazour said Board members had undertaken a “pretty big social risk in the fall by running for election to a Board that no one really wanted to be on,” referring to the fact that only 10 students had competed in the 2014 election for the eight board member positions.

“Now that 30 percent of our group has tapped out, we thought it would be smart to play damage control,” Kazour added.

Nites said that although the four members hadn’t previously discussed with him their intentions to resign, he’s optimistic about the Board’s future.

“Good riddance,” Nites said, before calling a motion to adjourn and shouting, “I’m not afraid of you” to media representatives.

The remaining two-ninths of the Board must fill the seven open seats before next week’s public meeting to vote on anything.

Nites said interested students can obtain applications from his hand-crafted bunker in the SGB office on the ninth floor of the William Pitt Union, and students should apply by Friday at 3:47 a.m.

The Board will then most likely interview the applicants in two public rounds of interviews and private deliberations before the new appointees sign a blood oath to promise their unwavering service to SGB.

“I’m looking for students who can really, really, really commit,” Nites said. “Really.”

Nites reiterated that student groups shouldn’t be worried, and allocations will still be a strong focus for SGB.

Abboud, who was appointed president pro-tempore after Ellie Tsatsos — the original appointee — resigned, said he texted Nites after the meeting, telling him, “Just you and me, buddy” and “We got this. Robin and Batman.”

Abboud dismissed rumors that he would also leave SGB, and said he is optimistic that he and Nites will be able to accomplish their goals, despite the recent losses.

“When Ellie and Brandon resigned, I said, ‘This too shall pass.’ Well, now I have another motto: ‘Quitters never win,’” Abboud said.

Abboud also assured audience members not to worry about the future of SGB.

“We will keep allocating, and you can keep on doing you,” he said.

Jake Radziwon, a junior marketing major, was the first to resign from the Board back on Feb. 27. Radziwon said he wanted to step down to pursue personal aspirations, including a run for Pennsylvania House of Representatives in November 2014.

Radziwon said his stint on SGB was a great publicity move, but “knew when to get out when the getting out was good.”

In fact, Radziwon expressed his annoyance at Benjamin and Tsatsos pulling a similar stunt at the last public meeting, announcing on Twitter the following day: “whatever, I quit @PittSGB before it was cool.”

“Can’t a man have an original thought?” Radziwon said later of the debacle. “Had I of known that my resignation would become so ordinary, I would have stayed on.”